spring comes after winter

outside my window i saw an old willow tree withered, covered in snow. It was not so much of beauty as i saw right when i woke up from my bed in the morning. Yeah, anyway, I smelt some egg outside. Mom must have cooked for us. we all know her cooking skill but yeah, eggs in the morning wont do any harm right? I am hungry.

it was pleasant, as always, dad was sipping his coffee while reading the newspaper. I saw my sister, well dressed, sitting sleepily on her seat on the dining table. Me, i just woke up with my hair all messy but awake. Mom, she looks alright, as always, clean, well maintain hair and her apron.

Yesterday night was, really creepy. I felt the earth shook badly. The whole house shook and i started to saw cracks on the wall of the second floor, my room. The bed and furnitures did move on its own because of the earthquake. It was my first, it made me feel dizzy, like vertigo? i thought so. Dad said we all could be dead, however, he managed to do things fast, thus, it was all are save now.

ANYWAY,
about my crush, he is with someone now. FINALLY, I Can seriously move on. im still jobless but yeah, i am not worry anymore. it is almost the end of 2013. I would never know what is going to happened. but yeah, happy that i certainly knew a few people does care for me.
this time around not so much of feelings would be incorporated into anything in my life related to human beings. i hope some good ones really go for me. i dont know. HE knows best.
errmm, i still cant see my crush. but its ok. he is fine too. we'll see what shits await. This crush was not bad at all,  i wasnt loosing or not attractive or anything though. my crush may have a crush for me too at first. but yeah, he knows me too well or what. but i do know he is not yet my cup. i do believe my mistake was i tried to please him so much till i dont know who was i. it was funny. i apologized so much by then. it was funny how love made you became so stupid, i never thought i could be that omg..
about my love, it was basically clear in my mind how was it and too long to be described.

first love was just meant to fall.
could not agree less.

this is the end of my love story for my lovely JACK. will soon gonna open and write another chapter of adventure. finding the true love? or what you call it? trust, care and share. ROBERT, WHERE R U? LOL

those awesome people i met outside

i started my day in maybe so called office? not so yet found my answer whether i am going to stay in sg or go back home cuddle my dolls and pets though.
well, go to the point, i met these amazing people in the office. 3 ladies whom take full time job as project managers and executive whom are all taking part time lesson at SIM. regardless what major they are taking, it is so admirable to be so. The extra spirit they take for a maybe so called prosperous life. i dont really know though. well...

i compare myself to them. can i do the same? is it possible? have i do enough effort?
lets see hw it goes=)

keep smilling and move on

sunny day.. and im going back home tomorrow. We call it home. Because that is where our mom, dad, and siblings live. I wonder, how is it going to be... I have no job yet. Feel like giving up sometimes but yeah, im still alive and life just need to move on.. there is still traces of my crush in my head. but well, u need to move on too. Nobody cares what u felt other than yourself and God. Yup. that is life. im alone and for ur note, be tough girl. it is just a beginning of an exciting journey.

escape please

i fell too deep to a well. It was so deep that i found myself falling crazy in it. It was pretty dark and cold. Therefore, i could really felt the warmth when the sun shone unto my face.  I was all alone for quite sometime inside. captivated in the dark well. I was all alone and i started to imagine this person who is so perfect in my mind. He is so perfect as if he fits me and feed my hunger of communicating with some other human beings these days. He is charming. He has a good sense of humour. He is smart and has a great smile. He loves me no matter what i do or think or say. He has never been angry. It was so enticing in which warmth i indulge in and manage to survive in that dark well. I am still trapped inside till one point, he started to change. I think he is angry, i think i said something wrongly. I was sad and lonely for one more time. But it motivates me, to get up and try something to climb the well. I saw no sign of help and that fight makes me think, i need to get out of this well and move on or else i will die alone in here. Such a tragic end i think. stupid. 

I tried and manage to climb the well halfway. I fell again, to that deep, dark, cold well again. My hands were wet and i got some blisters here and there. But i could not stop here, right now... i shouted with some few energy left in my body. I am starting to loose my voice in an hour. What i can do now, preserve my energy. He has never appeared anymore but it did not change the fact that i am still in the dark well. I need to get out of this place.i would be dead if i did not manage to come out of this dark well.

i am scared. the only miracle is sunlight and a person or things which could lift me just up there. I miss freedom. Running around, dry, and the warmth of the day. I missed it so much. I am still in it. It was only a piece of my brain which think i was out there, in the house making and drinking some tea. in fact, i am still here, take me out.. God.. make me out of this well or just take out my soul out of my body. Put me on that warm ground outside the well. I missed all the warmth, my house, my family, all laughters, and... love. true love.  

what is going on in my life

I dont have any idea what is thiss suppose to mean. i am changing. i think im more introverted now. with all the consequences. i do become like more silence above all. i like to be sort of alone sometimes. when i met people i will laugh but yeah, i have no idea what is wrong with my mind. 

i cant tell what kind of person i am right now. 

i like to read.

i like not to tell so much about myself

i tend to stop telling people what i was thinking.

be smart dude. what is said will be used against you.

a quote from  some guy. wise ones.

secrets are good. it makes you feel in control?

no idea what it is. 

i like being in control.

maybe its an A blood stereotype but yeah i think its kinda really true

im slightly sad? stres? or what?

i should be wiser. less talking. read more and be more contentful. be accomodative and open to ideas and critique. Control your face and gesture. I need to train it. be smart. survive.

FUCK

i think i have a bit of mental problem today.

Yesterday i was fine so does the other day. But today, i just feel like just stop caring so much about me.
when you dont care just dont pretend that you care. its like Oh gosh, please, stop it. i feel like screaming,  i feel like just get it off my mind. but yeah dont seemed like working
i hate my inner self abit today. but i just feel angry towards my dad.
he annoys me
he asked how r u?
which doesnt mean fucking anything to him i suppose. like seriously, he never ask almost any shit when we do really meet. i hate it man. when u dont give a fuck, then just dont fucking pretend that u care. please.

i hate two face people
stop it self, u fuck ur own mind with hatred.
stop it

just stop ur fucking mind for this kind of thoughts.

FUCKKKKK
WHATS WRONG WITH ME???

first love meant to fall =D

i just read my own writting,

It was so funny that I am soooo incapable of making my promise unbroken in a matter of feelings.
i promised to stop texting. Well it did not happened that smoothly.
well, as promised, we finally went out. I met his brother. HE IS SO DAMN GOOD LOOKING AND SMART. GOD. COMPARE TO HIM, he sat next to me, i could see, you are still a kid. Seriously, we looked like kids i think. lol

we talked so much. It was fun, he told me that his dad were lazy and kind of stop monetarily funding them. wow! I felt blessed cause my family is not that kind. and then, nobody's perfect anyways. no family does, i had my own problems and pain as well. LOVE OR MONEY? you choose.
He as well told me that he basically go against stereotype. Do not ever judge me the same as others. Creepy a little. He is not that approachable. He is smart and he has his own mind. He is logical as fuck. He dont use feelings sometimes. it is all logic inside his mind. I want to get that thinking as well. i hate being so emotional. tiring. Spread me some logic dude. please. would be great.
anyway, yeah, he is a good friend but not so close one. I think he created his own wall for everyone. I dont exactly know why. He just says, i dont trust anyone.

he programmed his future. i understands now why his priority became this way. Your family and past shaped you the way you are now. Strong will people usually had their own pressure that made them hard as steel.

Too smart maybe not so much a blessing as well.

Well, i did texted him the last time that he should make a move. which totally, shit. i dont mean it was me though. loools. watever been said stays there, u cant take it back. Act normal. just smile around him like what i usually do to everyone. make him a friend. Friendship lasts, right? anyway, i deleted his number i just save it in my screenshot. just in case something urgent coming up. nooo turning back.

move on dude. it was nice to fall in love. It was maybe my first, I tried. I am not lose. i was brave. Thanks God for this first love you may call it. Thank God, You make me fall to this kinda guy. Because he is not boastful or else i will not be able to fall in love again, ever. because of the shame, is suppose. Making a move and shit. wow. was hillarious. Next one? hahahahha I believe he is there somewhere, its just that we have not yet meet. <3 p="">

the lost world

it eases my mind to look at my past, happy pictures in my fb. Smiles, laughters and friends. I felt so content. My heart felt warmer. I dont need a thousand people to care or love me. Just a few. Would do. I felt lonely. I know one of my friend cares. However, she cared for me too much and with such care I felt I should not burden her with such problems of uncertainty of mine. I just need a break. But i have no idea where to find it right now. I felt quite tired, mentally. Nobody knows my burden or is it me who just being tooooo sensitive or not tough? I want to runaway for a while.

Few possibilities which relates to the future I suppose. I am not so sure what to do. One choice leads to the other, I dont want to make my parents dissapointed in me. I have my own responsibility and pride as well, i dont want to be such a burden for them too. Some people being allowed to chill. For me, nope. I had no choice right now. My dad seemed like wanted me to stay where i am now. But logic and evidence said, it is going to be tough. I need advisors. i am confused. like, really.

Seems like i dont have faith. Faith dont come on its own and says, hey, you come here, work here and all. You need to know the radar. Where does it goes and receive it in a correct way. I cant tell my so called "sisters" in church. They said, pray and do your best. I did my best. I applied to over 100 companies which have not exactly any replies. nobody wants to hear complaints. It is like fuck this shit.

I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TAKE THE RISK OR JUST BE AN OPPORTUNISTS. FUCK THIS SHIT. AFTER I COME OUT OF THIS TUNNEL I SURELY 100 THOUSANDS TIME STRONGER. FUCKKKKK!!!!! I WONT COVER THIS FUCKING SWEARING! FUCCCCCKKKK YOUUUU! IT REFERS TO NO ONE THOUGH. I DONT BLAME GOD OR ANYONE. FUCK YOUUUU~~~ FUCK U VERY VERY MUCH~~~~

so good. =)

it was a bad day, but yeah, not really anymore

hey,
i got an internship at HBA. for silly 1 week. i know its odd, but yeah,
hehehe it was so exciting.

anyway, im now jobless, still trying to find a job, but yeah, im not sure about it either.

i just confess? i dont know.. i feel bad for always talking / chatting my crush
i do think he has no crush for me at all. well, a wake up call, indeed.
i cried really badly ytd. over my pass, house, and quarelling with mom.
it was a bad fight. but yeah. it was over.
now left with my fight of the pass, my future.

i wished that my crush have feelings or at least a be a close friend like my so called besties guy friend in my hometown. i dont know, he is a good listener. i feel bad abt it. i want to lean on someone. but unfortunately i think God had made it very clear he is not ur ace card. i shall stop bothering him with all my stories. he was just not care.

stop leaning on him any more. it doesnt work. stop it.
at least my heart doesnt feel hurt this time. i think im done with him. seriously

under the sun

hellow again!

been awhile missing from this blogging though =). i went for a graduation trip to bali, lombok, gili, jogja and lastly bandung in 2 weeks. it wassss really2 awesome! i was so content and happy, hopefully this spirit still last till forever. =D

i saw not much worries of the future for now. What i can do now is not missing any action. i like to think, but not doing anything about it. that was the source of all the emo ness that i had. i need to read more books as well. it does give me a more self contentment and somehw make me love myself slightly better. It was a great2 holiday. i was tired but happy and content. so far it gave me a more positive energy.

i may not still be a good advisor nor a good listener, nor a good writter. but i know that i am a good giver. i can give my heart to the person i care. i have a wide smile and laughter which maybe people like. i have warmth. from now on, no more chasing my crush! okie? i was a bit tempted to talk to him n stuff again, i was missing from church for almost a month. i saw him this morning during the praising time, he shook my hand and smile while saying "ikem". my heart thumps, luckily my face not red. i went to the toilet and could not help myself from smilling. looking at my ungorgeous self ( i have not yet slept, i had no make up, just a specs). my heart slows down and i came back to my seat. the preacher preached for 1 hour +-. i could not really concentrate though. i was there in the same room till the whole entire ceremony ends. he was sitting at the back rows from the podium, he came in front to chit chat and stuff with the singers today. i was surprised, owh, he is close with her (she got bf alr, not a competitor, wtf! lol!)now. i saw him in a glimpse i was talking to a lot of other people at that time about pass and all. i am just wondering, is he looking at me as well? to think about it, i still cannot get rid of him from my mind, but, i am now more controlled i think, it was still sweet. like a small confetti in my mouth. just a taste of it, till it is gone, then im fine =). my love? if u call it love? reduced, which is good!

the simplest quote which help me get through was
" if there is no chemistry, then it is not it! chill, do not be too serious over relationship."
we have no chemistry, what i should do, be happy, and mingle more, meet morreee people, be yourself, be more positive. =D

abouuuttttt yesterday i think

it is weird. i started to just let him go. but seems like he get even closer to me i guess? we talked we laughed we just become friends i guess. hopefully it would keep good this way.  at least i know he is not mad or avoid me. we had simply a foolish discussion about girls should chase or give hints to guys. instead of chasing they dont mind being chased instead. i was like, "so you felt like a king huh?"
lol. my ex-crush nod and laugh. like, what the hell! what is that suppose to meannn? there were 4 of us that day anyways.. but it shows that, guys maybe have changed. the idea of girls being pursued kinda rare unless u r damn desirable i think. i dont know. im new in this game tho. About sunday, it is kinda cute, he suddenly just approached me and say, hi kem. wow, kinda rare... all the awkwardness come by again. hahahah

orrrrrrr,
maybe actually attracted to this girl next to me? her name is E. we call her E.. . i saw him sat next to her one moment when i was busy somewhere talking to other people. she is very kind, mature, like to laugh and smile, so calm. unlike me. im totally the opposite, have i no chance? shit. square 1. no no no. im good with myself. im good if we r just friends. im gonna be a i dont know.. hahahaha.

healing..

today is not bad at all.
quite tense at the beginning, but yeah, today i managed to get my aircon fixed, get a problem solved, do my project, last but not least, i found that i like myself a bit more today. Achievements? even though there is nothing big about it but i dont feel that moment that i became so sad over unreciprocated love over my crush.

i think i can turn my page to the next pretty soon. =)
a stranger, not really a stranger i suppose, she knows me bcoz she knows my mom anyways, hopefully, mom didnt make me firstly sound soooo sad or pitiful. reason being, i think should be kept as a secret yet.

i still kept talking abt "him" to my friends, and it makes me happy though, which at the same time, makes me healed faster i guess because when u talk abt  it a loooot u realized, it was, not it is. That's why, it does work for me. I realized it was fun and change me i think a bit. nothing bad about falling in love. even though at the end you may not get what you want, but who cares!

im not trying to sell or oversell myself as well, maybe more likely motivate myself? it is okay u didnt like me as much as i do but you'll regret that because i just realized, i have high tolerance as a person (im not joking, i just realized), i can stand most kind of people, i think im kinda good in becoming a communicator between boss n seller/ something like that. i love people. im gonna be prettier i wish! i am kinda person who will finish what she starts, she would have bigger will and heart to be a better person. missing me, is your loss.

game?
restart? continue?
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0 game over.
restart?

yes.
=)

a lot like love , the pursuit of happiness review

these 2 movies were awesomeee
totally make my day. =)

the pursuit of happiness make me realized that i have to work harder for whatever i dream. be smart and dont always cried unless its necessary. there is always a way to survive if u want it so bad. If u really want it, u will work 3-4 times harder n sometimes, take a risk, but be smart! =)

secondly, a lot like love make me learn that ur so called destined person will make its way if u r destined to be together. there is no rush needed at the end, they will get back together again. i was so touched because the guy was so nerdy and the girl was so cool but yeah, she was a bitch. but in 6 years, they both changed in a good way. =)

who is my destiny? wondering, will i as well meet him like in some random airport? having some random strolls together, fling in summer relationship status but always be able to get back to our own path and at the end get back together again?

those 2 are should watch movies lads..
;)

suddenly i got a text regarding a show. it makes me urrghhh!!! i dont know why i feel so angry about it, well my crush. he seriously, i dont know whether he is avoiding me or what?? i seriously feel like punching him.
PMS IS BETTER. Makes me feel like myself more. GOOD self! u should be so! i think im moving on. hopefully.. hopefully..

i feel like exploding

i feel like exploding
i feel like exploding
i feel like exploding

it is okay self, chill. now do what you need to do. do according to ur plan, later on juggle ok? everything is gg to be settled. sooner or later. do slowly one by one. concentrate, ditch the rest and come back later.

MONDAY 13TH
1. recheck ur studio 1pm-3pm
2. update behance 4-6pm
3. excersice 7-9pm
go home 9-10
4. iaf fucking schedule 10-12pm
5. promote iaf. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. LOL.. YAYYY!

TUESDAY 14TH
10.30am -school
10.30am-11am printing poster

1. recheck ur studio 11AM-3pm

2. update behance 4-6pm

3. excersice 7-9pm

wow. sounds a lot to me... sounds like a plan though lol
why do i want to explode?
nothing is finish or progressing
i keep thinking but did nothing to it
things coming up more
i need to sell tickets, duty for me.
=.=' contacting people sometimes makes you crazy

a bit of reflection of myself today.

loadss of things really happening around you. If only you get yourself dirty and yeah dipped ur hands in it. It is just a matter of involvement indeed. Sometimes im just feeling im not giving in my all. my spirit is like a fire, sometimes burns sometimes not. well, im not sure basically of myself. have i given my best in all i did? or simply i just give up and jump to some other thing like a child gets bored in what she likes. i feel bad abt myself. im kinda undependable, less spirited, dumb kinda, emotional. all that shit ...

i need to be more passionate in whatever i do. do things with all ur heart. God, let me learn the lessons. 

=)

hi again,

i felt happy today. sort of. my day ended nicely with a heart warming story from an aunty i just met on the lift. its kinda heart warming in such a small but extremely "cold" city like this, an aunty still cares about others. She brought some leftovers from the restaurant that she worked and given them to the people in the neighbourhood whom are not that lucky. It was such a great story i guess.

Makes me think, sometimes what u might need to make urself happy is a simple thought of caring about others. Make a difference for them =).  A side of my mind was saying that I need to have a good financial security in my life. I wanted to do this. to do that. well, again, yeah, i think it just makes me think. how am i gg to make my life more meaningful? maybe... happier? =)

its totally over

i think my crush avoiding me like hell now. im kinda a bit heartbroken though. I tried, but yeah, he had never been interested in me in the first place i think. i scared him really.

i deleted wahtever there in my phone. i still have his number, but i wont easily contacted him anymore. enough breaking your heart my dear sweetie. enough. u tried, but yeah, the answer is no no. He just cant take u of who u r though. so yeah, but u r gg to be fine. u r strong! he is just not that guy ok? u r just assuming, u know. u tried, but yeah, it didnt work. dont mess ard anymore. stop hurting yourself. stop choking urself with this guy who dont really care about you anymore. you stupid girl. indeed really stupid. its gg to take a while, but yeah, no worries, i think God prepared somebody else for me. =) 

God, just help me not to hurt myself anymore. just heal this crack. lol. let me just forget. let me get up and fly again. =) Thanks god!! 

sadness?

i think im sad.
ytd my mom just called me. it made me, miss her even more. she understands me as i always ever thought about her, she calms me down and supported me always...
i have never tell her about some stuff... hahahha secret is always best.

i still cant let go off the thoughts of my crush hating me because the things i have said last time. but seemed like right now, i would be just gone from his mind like ashes. really stupid, indeed. i suppose not to say that earlier. ever. now me myself, feeling hurt, not yet that bad... i think he avoided me. long text is a no no i think. but yeah, seems like im out of his teritory ever. even though he is still replying but yeah, nothing much, he will not try to entertain me either. i dont know whether its because he is busy or what, im not sure, and could never be. today should be my last day texting him without any reason thing...

it should be my last. maybe have to, to be exact.

Thing in mind

Well, today is monday. i could feel my first day called, freedom day? Not so sure what about those though. I watched iron man 3 dude! it was awesomeeee!!

anyway, i have been feeling weird, unsatisfied, or sad, i am not sure... something is lacking but yeah, im not sure what that is though. hahahhaha im such a weirdoooooo... 

another thoughts i had today...

am i really falling in love? or its just a form of curiosity? am i lost in this battle? do i have any chance? stupid unnecessary thoughts tho. but yeah, apart of growing up? ahhahhahaha such a late bloomer. i think im gonna stop chasing. its stupid. in the future i think u r going to get urself cheated this way if u do give all ur effort an shit for him. realllll stupid. xp. 

wake up dude! wake up! be sane!

love yourself. even more. u deserve a better person. chase another impala or watever u called those preys. lol. u r gonna regret not to keep me. i can give my whole heart and all to the person i love. even friends anything.. i know its stupid. but yeah, thats me and maybe my only gift from God? I think so. yeah, tahts me maybe. maybe... 

after this, i shall erase all my sadness and worries. that prince gonna come. no worries. =) Thanks God for this experience because i think it somehow makes me change. i am less mean now, i think. Thanks for it God. Thanks for it. =)

hello. its 3.29 am in the morning. my third day at school staying over with 6-7 people working on our own projects. Assesment is just 2 days ahead. I was so freaking anxious this afternoon because i was hillariously eavesdropping somebodyelse's conversation today, they were talking about this viva voce, final year presentation about your project and some other stuff. I was so freaking scared even though it is still next week but the idea of standing in front of the lecture and explaining the idea of your project kinda thing scares the hell out of me. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. i was so scared. really. in my worst case of anxiousness, i texted several people, but they dont really reply that fast. Sometimes its just taht ur most important people in your lives, wont be around to calm u down the way ideally you wished they would. We all can do it, but lack of confidence makes u afraid it. even the smallest thing on earth may kill u without hesitation if one doesn have any confidence.

be confident of urself. JM says, we know things better than anyone else.
do ur best and let God do d rest

=)

weak minded girl

hei, this is h-4 from assesment day/ and tomo at 10am, we suppose to do online submission for some of our stuff. i am feeling so dragged doing anything today. seriously. i dont know what is wrong with me.

i made plans to do and stuff. but i didnt do it man. GoDdddd...

I may just need to get rid of this out of my head and put it aside at the backside of my head and yeah, i should just do things we could as much as possible.

i am highly2 sleepy. i finished my coffee but it affect nothing. maybe i should bathe??
but anyways.. i had this talk with my besties, it was just that i should not put my expectation too high. always prepare urself for the worst? hhahaha but yeah keep looking upwards! my head totally agreed with this idea. i wanted to follow that f***ing instruction of not to self destruct but i cant. silly head. sillllyyy idiot head. love urself. be who u are. find urself again. you are stronger than this u know.

GOD, please just help me to just love myself more. so no matter who the guy my destiny would show me in the future, i dont get cheated or hurt badly. i dont want to. Thanks God, for everything. it is indeed a fun journey  of living. to love and to be loved. =)

enjoy ur day girl! ganbate girl! u can do this! FINISH THIS OFF N U R A FREE BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

coherence wise, i think my writting is really bad... lol! but yeah, wateverrrrr

lets try to answer some IELTS essay trial.. hehe

a question being asked. Some people like to do the same thing all over again, but some, likes to take chances which is being seen as a good choice of living. Discuss.

it is always been an interesting thing to look upon chances in different point of views. There is a good and bad thing about taking chances. It was not about the chances itself but the effect of taking it ,which matter the most. Since we all know, it is named chances because of its uncertainty of the future. Chances might be good to be taken. But it dont change the fact that not every chance neither work as you wish it will. A chance is an opportunity. Opportunity reflects risk.

I will not say that taking a chance is bad either because I witnessed myself that my uncle for his family certainty, he did not dare to make a big change for his business, because of some other issues he needs to take care of, and taking a chance, bigger ones meaning he need to kind of start afresh and concentrate even more to the new path he needs to go on which at the mean time was impossible for him to get distracted over it.

on the opposite side, Taking a chance is good. it opens your mind and may be possibly by taking it, opens up your door to a bigger success.

so yeah, i dont think both are good or bad. Both actions mentioned above have their own good and bad thing to be taken.

ikem.

hi 3.12 am now and its monday alreadyyyy and i havent really do significant amount of work,

im highly highly lazy doing any shit today. ahhahahah

interesting thing that i did today was... did a skit. it was seriously 2 sets of lines. BUT, i didnt know why, I just cant act as a normal bulliable maid as asked from the script. it was funny though, somehow, i think i just knew that i really like to see myself being laugh at i guess. anyways, a lot of people were laughing, so yeah, i think we put up quite a good show. someone i knw laugh at me a lot and this guy, so far i knew him, doesnt like to laugh that loud though. Such a limelight for me =)

next week, another performance. longer ones. well, lets see how it goes...

o yeah, i met this girl in the church whom is our singer in iaf event later in june. errrmmm, i think she is nice in person. i just had a free ice cream with her. hahahha what a date =D i think i need to socialize with the outter world more often. Im kinda stresseddddddd??? do not know for sure yet. o yeah, i think she got something on with my crush. wow!

well, watever, crush. xp you belongs to the world. hahahhaha.
seems like my so called "curse" came back. Good for u dude, but not for me. saddddd =(.
 but yeah, thanks for that feeling, but somehow im not sad, half dont care as well, we still can be friends i guess. such a good person should not go on a waste... but it doesnt mean im tht person who makes use of other people. NO IM NOOOOOOTTTT.....  today, i just had weird amazingly carefree mode i guess. soooooo, whats gonna happen next?

oh gossshhh!! 6 more days before assesment! it feels like we, us, here, the people behind the screen were really starting to loose our passion i guess. Some kinda give up a little sort of. hahahhh mentally pretty tired but yeah, almost there.

SCARYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

i saw this post in utube about amazing people in kick andy shows. The biggest question on earth, am i gonna be happy in the end? and i realize, maybe to live to give kinda thinking would make u in your happiest. Well, ehat i h

xp

I am in the studio. still in the studio. with my so called, midnight friends.. hahahaha we've been on our I dont know how many second day time, we stayed at school. i totally think it is fun! but yeah, the fact that it is soon gonna be over kinda makes me feel hmmmm...

well, i was doing some cutting for the project, and my mind was thinking about something else. i was just thinking that family really shaped you alot. The personality you are having now came from the family became the part of you in even facing the society or circumastances, whatever you call it. I just think, take an example, 2 girls next to me, they are the last child, in which making them so much bolder, in a good way, they know how to appreciate themselves. In relation towards relationship, girls like this would never being cheated by the guy. TOTALLY AWESOMEEEE...

I dont know, but i am a conservative thinking girl who like girls to be treated like a girl and in my opinion should not get cheated by the guy for whatever reason. Even though, i feel sad too if the guy get cheated by the girl as well, but yeah, it still feel different. 

Some youtube gurus and some other google articles as well teaching everyone to firstly appreciate themselves. well yeah, in my case kinda hard, im the other way around of those girls stated above, i dont know is it because im the first child or not, but i am indecisive and tend to just let go (maybe psychologically had been situated to always let go some things, sharing love to your siblings and stuff). I am not so sure yet abt that but in my head it sounds really logical which if i dont write this thing, i might forget about this "precious" thoughts. LOL. 

waht about middle child syndrome? ahhahaahah not yet analyzing that one though, my close friends were mostly either first or last child... =)

one more precious lesson from dove beauty sketches project. it tells us, how often do we think we are the ugliest shit on earth and on the other people's eyes, you are totally an amazing person whom you never really care and appreciate for your own sake. The psychologist says, maybe you should not think of how you look outside. Because yeah, it is relative, "beauty" is subjective. The positive quality inside, the happier you makes the most charming person you could have ever seen. 

i am saying it as if me myself the happiest person ever, well, it was all from the internet mixed by my own thoughts. Wishfully, i can be that happy person, who can appreciate myself better. no more insecurity and shit. look up and shineeeee!!! =D

the wicked mindddd

i just saw this video of serial killer joel rifkin and jeffrey dahmer. they were both amazingly had a superb childhood. Lovely parents whom actually love them much but instead, after they broke up, changed him. These guys were like struggling to find themselves i think. However, they encounter things that they liked, fetishes were not that normal. but they just thought, hey, its my hobby and everybody deserves to be happy as well.

gosh..
i dont know what to say or how to react. it is sad, in a way that they somekind of not really having this sense of humanity, to be accepted and yeah, simply enjoy each other human beings' company.

well, we all normal ones shall feeling blessed over our sanity instead. we shall, u should check their video i think search those names in utube. happy watching!

Some other thoughts crossing my mind, i do think humans always crave for consistency and stability in which losing the comfort of owning it could drive u crazy. you call it greed? such a weird stuff i was watching. but yeah, kinda funnnn.

regardless my faith and such its just believe in what i believe, but yeah, this question came up from my mind, so God, whose fault is this? serial killers, they kill people on montly/ weekly basis.

just a thought. just a thought..... humans are the weirdest creature indeed....

sometimes i just wished im a guy. stay happy, stable,and carefree, less rollercoaster mood or jetcoaster mood, watever you call it.

i was fine throughout the day. just feeling tired and sleepy anyways. i took a nap. when i woke up it was just that i was feeling a bit empty.. or maybe guilty and at the same time angry/ pissed out of nowhere.blame assesment maybe. that feeling was.. weird... really weird. my heart just felt like... taken bit by bit, makes it somehow, harder to breath per normal. fiuhh.. fiuh.... i was trying to make myself calm. i was aaaaalllmoooosttt fell into tears. I bought some coffee to make myself up and maybe help myself up. i felt better for just a second, but I realized, it was not enough. no. then i tried to buy a packet of mnm. I heard sweet stuff curessss. well, it didnt =.=. i sat down in my studio again, i just felt like i cannot hold it anymore. then i just burst into tears. ask me why did i cry? i was not so sure either.

i just hate myself sometimes. emotional rollercoaster .. i hate you.

be strong kid. be strong. it is going to be over. soon.
i just wish im a guy. at least, be strong?
i hate this feeling. i hate this kind of confusing state of mind?

fart, who is this??

i just checked some views from this blog and it says, 18 views for the Singapore region. SHIT! i dont really think anybody ard me is checking my blog. =.='' NOOOOOO! whoever, i dont really care. except, my crush! i have lost my face or maybe if you do read, just pretend you have read any single word out of this blog and please if you do continue checking, please dont....

im so dead.
im
so
dead...

david oyster

GUD MORNIIIINGGG!!

it is 2.42 am in the morning. at school and doing my work with my friends. =) last year of schooling is really2 fun. we've gone through so many things together though. we eat, we laugh, but luckily not so much crying together...

i love my 3 and soon i think i have another one gem in my life. they all are equally as important as my own life i think haahhaha. they, seriously, my secret diaries. well cool yeah, i have 4 diaries lol.

it is really funny and to think about it heart warming to always having them around. They seriously had became a part of me i think. im telling you how much i love them, even we dont meet in a day or two, we are gg to start missing each other badly. i have never felt this attached before. it feels.. really good to be able to love and care for someone, but im so fortunate i have 3 and even 4 people in my life i think this important. However, i know one day, we are not gg to be together again. somehow i just knew, we are gg to be separated, sooner or later. u call it fate? not sure..

Another piece of lovely thoughts in my head was, i feel blessed i am allowed to be able to like someone. Even though i dont even know if he felt the same way as me, which im doubting. he is a type of nice guy whom girls like to fall for. Which annoyingly, given him totally i think so many choices to just pick the fishes in his kinda muddy pond. wow! jealous of you man. so good huh. =.=

anywayssss,
18 days before assesment, my heart thumps a bit faster, clock is ticking, slightly faster than yesterday i think. aaaaa!!!!!

a letter for my mr. assesment,
dear sir, just be dead. go away and dont come again.
im soon gonna be over you.
you r gg to be dead
im gg to kill you!
piece of piiiiiiiiipppp (pie) lol

the power of words

i joined this event which will perform in June 16th 2013 later. i was not holding a super important role anyways. just a simple assistant stage manager. but yeah, anyways,

there was a rehearsal and photo session today. we finished and went home. there was nothing much happening in the event i guess. I always thought it would be just some flings and you know, crushes alone. However, i just knew that it was not true, instead it became more complicated. one of the dancer became overwhelmed cause a  lot of guys were saying that she is cute. well, i told her when she asked why people were always matchmaking her with one of the guys in that event gonna be. i told her, she is cute and a lot of guys like that fact as well and yeah... \

However, who knew, in a week everything start to change. she accepted that fact that a lot of guys like her and she as well started to act weirdly. As in craving for attention to attract the guy's attention. she behaved differently now. the "true" colors revealed i guess. it became scarry and inhumane when it seems like she tried to make use the guy which like her. feel sad for this guy anw. 

selfishness and the seduction of words, might not always be good. it would be good for you but you might eventually hurt someone else's heart. might be deeply even. 

i dont know how to describe this feeling. pity? a vulnerable girl trying to find her lover, for her own happiness. but yeah, not in a good way i guess... what do u think???

6.22 am at school

heloo peeps. first day of staying up at school after a week + of break.

well, i did quite a thought about my project i guess. but yeah, not so much tho...
o yeah, next to our studio is product design studio. they were madddd... 4am, screaming, head banging, stuff banging, shirtless with metal music and cursing. ahhahahah kinda funny!

well anyways, i do think girls are just thinking too much. overthinking has never been good to me. me and my friends sounds like really overthink about me and my crush which made me flattered and feel happy. Till i saw the fact, hey, your crush might be in love with some other girl man... i can see that, he sounded like having fun..
what am i doing??
dont think too much, maybe he is just want to be my friends, as any other people as well. and so does the other people rite? he may be just wanna make more friends, nothing more.
he is kind and always is.
wake up girl. dream is over. kinda over. dont flourished your dream too much, will be hard for you to step back on track.
dont be stupid really. there might be nothing going on as well.
be a good friend indeed.
be a good friend.
dont expect so much till u see the signs. which is not even 10% of it i guess.

do work. dont take so much sleep. be happy and independent.

such a sunday

yesterday was the day all christians, most christians supposingly go to church. i went back to church after 3 weeks missing. lol. trying to be more ladylike with black skirt, some make up and ready to goooo.

the service was a bit i was not so sure what the topic was. the preacher kept jumping and i was somehw sleepy. the service end. i stood near the door and greeted the people. i saw my crush at the front, because he was in duty. he used black shirt and pants with yellow tie. as always i think he seemed cute to me. lol. i dont know whether i was wrong or not. but seemed like he was looking at me? notice my hair color changed as well, which not badddd eh.. we went for lunch with others as well. was a super hot sunny sunday man... in such a small food court we ate and chit chat.

here comes something interesting about that meeting. nothing lovely this time. but yeah, more likely insightful? he told us that as a person, we should not be boastful. humble has always been the key to success i guess. he was telling us that as a fresh graduant, no matter how many degree which we took, should not make ourselves proud as if nobody else is smarter than you. that has never been right, i am telling you. education has always seemed to lifted up our sense of pride which we shouldn't. over pride never sells either. =/

secondly, he gave us advise on how to boast on our cv. however, in my case, it has not yet really happened. grading myself i got 4 out of 10 i guess. i needed references!! qualified ones.

portfolio is important.

it is really interesting how people think so differently. as im design students, our topic of living seemed not to go this way tho. we talked alot about passion not so much about money and economical securities. we talked and discuss things mostly that we felt, social and things that is not related to power, greeds over money. to think about it, wow. we are weird and different. education does shaped even the way we think and live our lifes.

what do you expect from your life? money? passion? success? just a happy family ending?
=) i didnt even jog, i was maybe just swaying my tail on the floor,,,

i feel alive!

hei2 ho!

good afternoon~~

im at school and just for info, assesment is just 5 days away!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA IM NOWHERE NEAR FINISHING.
=D =D =D DEEEEAAADDDDDDDDDD~~~~

but today i feel so happy after i consulted. my lecture didnt make me confused instead he really make a direction of what to do. kinda amazing when it is all so clear for now. i feel motivated. and i should do moreeee as fast as i can before it is all gone with the wind. lol! i love u God and all the blessings =D

wish me luck! WIP! HERE I COMEEEE!
deep inside my little tiny heart somebody cries, omg, how am i gonna finish this and get through this?? some other spirit says, its ok dude, u r gonna survive

sunny day on the 10th

hellow willow yellow mashmellow~~

its monday today.
tomorrow i have some shirt submission btw.
but yeah, i will just a bit more put my pen down and writting some stuff here.

Its been.. i dont know. but yeah, maybe a month? im having a super deep crush. and actually, i was totally make a wrong move according to my trustable advisors.
its really stupid when i like someone, i become, mean.. i am mean in nature i guess? but not that much? oh dear... now is like my chance is even getting worst.
looking at the bright side, he might forgive me or just think that im a weirdo.. but yeah.. its okay. i might try to fix it according to my advisors advice?
WELL ITS VERY SIMPLE. JUST BE A LADY.
THE BIGGEST RESOLUTION TO BE MADE IS
TO BECOME A LADY..
GOSH....
HOW TO DO THIS?????????????
I'll try to become more ladylike. how? im not that sure, seriously.....
im quite sad because of myself. what matters is inside, not much outside right? well it matters as well. i need to loose some more weight. be confident and feminine. Thats the plan!
lets see how far can i go? how succesful my story gonna be?
life is just another adventure isnt it?
God, help me to be more ladylike. it does sounds like a stupid thing to ask.. but yeah, i think i need to ask for it... thanks God for everything... even though it maybe tough and stuff, i was being facilitated to experience of i might say, getting older?

it seems vain, but yeah, this kid, still learning to live in this world. happily and still naively innocent, slightly stupid. but yeah, this is me =)

my prayer answered

last week or last month i was praying hoping that he showed me the "one". well, He does showed me a "closing door" i guess. Pretty obvious now i think. well, sayonara akihabara! Let this crush just go away.. slowly but for sure it is gonna be healing. thanks for the lesson God! everything.. =) just one little thing i hope he would do. to forgive me and do not think ever again im a prick.

lesson:
do not ever say sorry.
do not text ever the first one.
play "expensive"
be a smart girl.
my friend told me to be active. active in his term i dont really get it as well, (refer to pond's ads).
be charming (which i have no idea how to be one)

anyway, it was fun. i believe the right one come on its time. HOPE FOR BEST!
the sun shines brightly, so do your heart, no use crying or being sad right? nobody is sad for you either. learn from it, and dont make the same mistake ever again.

why eggs come with a shell?

i ate eggs for breakfast.
i was holding it then i think.. hei, how fragile this thing is..
in a second you just can crush it and you'll never be born.

i just reflected myself, us humans that way. even the strongest looking shell in the world, they still have a fragile heart inside. Their thoughts covered perfectly by the outer looking shell. Maybe, well built looking, a pair of gilttery eyes which comes with a bright smile and a pair of sweet dimples on the cheek. but who knows what is inside? noone knows how good the yolk is right?

a shell just meant to protect the yolk.
The yolk itself is a piece of soul. It depends on you and how you adapt with the given circumstances.
sometimes it seems like it is just some sort of luck? if you are lucky enough, you found a good farmer, you'll be able to hatch. if you are not so lucky, you just be who you are and froze inside the fridge. By default you maybe came with all the good genes and stuff. But yeah, you just dont grow and freeze, but at least eaten by someone. make a life worth for someoneelse? or the last alternatives which i hate. it was bad at first and instead of surviving, they just loosing hope of living. End up, its just gone bad and nobody can make use of you either. so, the bin was just your last destination after all.

some shell are really convincing than the others. some have just more luck rather than the other egg to get to become a chick. some may froze in the fridge but yeah, at least useful for the person who bought it from the grocery shop. but the worst, given up. dead. unuseful.

i wish, i am a good egg with the best, good luck ones. but at least im a good egg ready to be eaten, frozen in a good condition. wait till the frying pan lit on the stove, mixed with a bit of milk and margerine /butter, a bit of salt and pepper. ssssshhhhh~~~ nice, warm scrambled egg on somebody's morning breakfast plate. ready to be eaten peacefully, and gone happily.........

1001 people in your life

i met a lot of amazing people in my life.

started from home, i met my mom. She is such a "torch" of light in me and my sister's life. The most admirable person i always want to be.
i went to school. I learnt how to write essay right now. I met gazilion people whom change my life each day. The friends whom always supported me. A person who dont really care. a person whom has such a big passion for soemthing. a person who takes things and give you back something in return.
approached by sucky people. learn the meaning of survival. learn how to be a subordinate. teamate. roomate. after all, its all the people whom made you change. not only inside you, but the surroundings around you whom make you feel good or bad about yourself. however, you just cant denied critisism and all that shit afterall. thats life. if you look at your path, you should see all the goodness. there is no such pain without any result in it. thats what i believe i guess and i think whoever you are too, you should do believe so. thats how you walk and run. not just looking back and cry about it. it makes you stop and not moving.

im not the most positive person in the world nor the smartest person on earth, not the most kind hearted person live in earth nor the most honest person even. this is just a confession. a thought from an ordinary girl in such an extraordinary world and people in it. i  felt blessed that i was born in this world. Knowing whoever I have met in my entire life. laughing. crying. chatting.

maybe, we should meet each other even one day. who knows we could be best friends?
good day!

it is the thought that rules everything... keep it positive =)

am i freaky? yes, my lady you are

simple.

these days i did really think im a stupid little prick. i like this guy and as u know i think he will start to think fuck you man! i think im super insecure man. my God, stop doing that, self!

i always say im sorry n shit.
behave well! be who you are. saying sorry wont change any fact. seriously. you just ruined everything! seriously! be normal self! stop freaking apologizing. its stupid

REALLY.

I DONT CARE ANYMORE! WAT THE HELL ! I WILL STOP BEING SO STUPID! BE YOURSELF! BE STRONG. NO MORE APOLOGIZING

WE BEGIN WITH DOUBTS END UP WITH SMILE

i have a wish in my mind.
to say how much i admire friends in my life. like the most important people in my life.
well, i think im gonna do it for my on bday. i'll distribute evry single letter myself and hopefully they are all appreciate it. =)

i was so excited since this morning i sat on the toilet bowl. i think id better do it soon or wrote or just spill it here so that i can start my work.

i have doubts in my mind as well. I like this guy. i message him n shit. but seemed like there is no positive response to it. like really.. =( but he seemed so perfect. he is not that charming like prince charming but i really like him because he is a really good friend. he does really care for everyone. at least i wish i can kept him for myself. but oh well, dream is just a dream right? i still need to stand on the ground. do not fly because it would be hard to stand on the ground again when you do so. my friends all supported me and try to motivate me. they said that we kinda look alike. but what's the point. a false hope isn't it?

Dear God, i begin not to like this game. if he meant not to be a part of my life. significantly, just erase this feeling. when i sleep, when i eat, or even when i do shit. i am kind of afraid of this false hope and shit, i really do. but, i still want to keep him as my friend. such a precious one. should not be thrown just like that. all that matters is just my feeling though. dont let it run too wild...

i am in doubt as well about my future. i dont know how is it going to be. i dont know whether i can still  stay in sg for at least a year or 2? then i would love to go somewhere else or even indo to get a living or something.

i just wish right now i found a boyfriend. who is dependable and he suited Your purpose as well. i have no direction o God. Please guide me. Show me the light. Close the doors that is not suppose to be my way of living. But please open the correct road for me.

i know i am an insecure late bloomer. but i wished that You help me get through this. I know You have the best plan in my life. Let me see it God. Thank you so much for all the friends that You have given me. All the adventurous experience You have facilitated me. All the good things that happened in my life and shaped me. To look back. I have changed a lot. To the better and the worst. But i like myself better right now. I really do. Be harsh to  me if You dont like any particular behaviour in my life. Just, let me know clearly about it. Cause im a bit dumb.


THANK YOU GOD! <3 loads="" p="" u="">

hapy bday my friend jm!

yesterday we celebrate our besties bday. we made a stupid video surprise. i was acting like this guy and make a scenario in such a stupid way.  it was really2 fun.

then, we went to zirca. it would close on the 23rd feb 2013, sobz. it is an awesome place i guess. the first time i went to a club that packed. you can feel all the sweat and was even hard to breathe. but i dont know, was funnnn! YOLO kind of shit btw. =)

ytd was fun! really2 fun! was a day worth written in pictures both words. a day full of just love of giving and excitement. happiness and all the YOLOness. =D

19 feb 2013

im still alive.
breathing.
sitting in front my computer.
along with schoolmates, we all struggling to do our stuff.
to fight our own laziness
thats it, thats all we do.
lol

hmm, i feel pretty empty. i want to chat with this person i like, but yeah, he might freaked out also if i did such stuff. so yeah, nvm. i just hope, my "road" will be opened if he is the one. but God, just close that door if i would be just like dust in the air in his life. the easiest, just erase my feeling if he have nothing in me. thats all i asked for today onwards about relationship thing. lol.

good day myself. ganbatte for the work! u can do it bitch!
who's the bitch?
me. wtf! lol

awkwardness

i just really realized and feel, time does tests evrything and instant things wont last taht long or have no side effects either.

well, today was a rainy day but i felt quite happy cause i am able to meet my dearest besties at school. yeah, the day was just great till the moment that message came. words came out. how r u doing kid? he asked me. have been such a weird thing to occur, cause he had never even called me with my stay in sg for almost 4 years. me, and my sist are just not close to him. but all of sudden he became too close? asked how do i do for like 3 consequtive days which i felt like its been a week. so awkward. really. was trying to be less formal but it seemed it did not work though.

our relationship have never been that close all these years. i am not closing that door i guess. its just that i think it sounds like an irony when supposingly ur second most important person in your life wanted to make gaps even closer between us. nothing is instant i suppose. sudden change 180 degree like this is too extreme i felt. i felt threatened? im not really sure what is that feeling but yeah, it did not come naturally either. sad i guess. but yeah, sometimes its just the fact and i just have no idea to fix it either. i felt a bit guilty but i cant really help it too.

lifetime

a journey to love and being loved

good morning =)

today is the fourth day of chinese new year. so yeah, in the modern chinese family living, i dont think there would be a lot of people going to visit their relatives anymore (unless the true chinesemen i guess).

yesterday, i felt the most chinese in my whole entire life. i learnt how to play mahjong, gamble, and last but not least, ate tons of snacks and steamboatttt at my friend's house. we all won, except our banker and his lover. maybe the wind of luck not yet came to them. it was really really awesome. =)

well, i came back home super late and now, im in school wanted/wishing able to do work. But, i just need to write this before so called i do my worksss.

i was in the bus, wandering until a point that says, hey, to love and being loved. this is our life. financial  vs relationship? i bet it is the only reason which made life always become more dilematic. crossroad of life, when you grow older and have a family, u will find this quite often, especially guys because they are suppose and normally( sorry about my sexism view) become the backbone of the family. you might not realized even the love over money is a journey to being loved.

while we are all kids, we just want love. from our parents, relatives, whoever. its like the sign of our need of love. we grow up as a teenager, the love that we got from parents alone no longer enough, therefore, we tried to find love, to love and being loved. as an adult, we work, try to get some money to love and being loved. the love of money gave you a push to earn, in which i believe have a tie to be loved by people. from the people you love or from the social and community and so on, to get respect and status from other people. we grew old, we have kids and grandchildren, tired of working, i want to love myself and along with my wife/husband, lets have a good life, enjoy our love. if only we have grandchildren and kids, you want them to love you right?

our journey of life, is a journey to find love. but in order to gain love, one had to give their love to be loved. at the end of our journey of life, none would care of how much money you have in the account, instead, they remembered how you give them love. for your own self, you need to be able to give and get some love. without love i dont think people can survive, enjoy their life and such.

as the bible said, love is the most valuable gift, the gift of love. i agreed, and just understand it i guess. it is such a powerful "thing" which make life so colorful and warm.

simply 11 feb 2013

a day after cny.
i eat with my friends for buffet.
i woke up with such a happy mood.
we meet. we eat. we laugh. we sit. we chat.
nice.

then i thought i said things wrongly i guess. the way i said things even its only just watsapp.
i was trying to be myself and trying to be friendly i suppose. even i dont know whether that intention actually perceived as it suppose to be or not... i freaked out cause its not my friend yet. so yeah, i just cant think i looked like a freak before anyone know me.

me, there is always this tiny black hole in me. in which tendency, blaming myself over things. i really hate this. now im kinda having it.

however, i was impressed with this person, he and his feminist kinda thoughts. i began to admire him. well i did before but yeah, cause i thought, he is cute. =)
kinda slap on my face whatever he said. i think me , have this tendency to underestimate girls even though me myself is a girl. honourable thoughts of him i suppose. he appreciated girls in a nice way which i think rare i suppose. he is such a gem hopefully, worth keeping or maybe its just me, such a close minded girl who thinks she started to see the world?

not so sure though. but for sure, i need to be brave. think highly maybe a bit higher than now of yourself. the reason maybe i have not yet have anyone in my life, maybe because of my self-destructive thoughts which at the end became such a huge wall and blocked my way. me and my short spirit just let the energy gone, surrender and make myself sit still, starring that wall.

i did not know what make me become such a person. i need to change. God, help me. me and my thoughts. keep it positive o God...

10 FEB 2013

FIRST OF ALLLL
HAPPY CNYYYY!

=D

Today was totally the most unexpected day in my life. kinda sad when your family were not with you but yeah, it was still totally awesome. started with my day in the church. i managed to go out with my friends ard my age today, without trying to sound like a weird kid in the community, i managed to go out and had a good lunch with them. plus, i didnt know what got into me today till i was daring to ask for a guy to be (im not totally sure what is that in english, but yeah, a guy to be so called, candidate to be my bf). well, such a funny story though. this guy, kinda cute, but still damn freaking awkward to even say hi or something. he is B. lol. i was invited to see this guy for a cny dinner thing at NUS. but i was too shy besides, was thinking i would sound, seemed damn desperate if i do so. so the meeting canceled.

however, i continued my journey, with my other friend i knew from an organization. it was just 3 of us. after a movie me with our famous leader in that org. we met his subordinate whom is my roomies btw. we hung out at starbucks from abt 7 till 11pm. talking about visions, intrigues, hopes, love. all. the ups and the down of wahtever he had achieved so far. it was really2 awesome. i do admire him, our leader. he had such a tough muscular outercase, with such a melanchollical, choleric, sanguine personalities inside. a pure love towards the family. strong will with a proper vision. been through a hard life in his own way. such an honour i was able to meet him. how corrupted an organization could be. their political moves and stuff. it was really, wow!

i learnt a lot. i was having fun as well.

in the shortest expression:
1. a leader is a person with a strong will. they would try no matter what it would cost.
2. successful person measured by their family unity over their financial.
3. even goodwill often being mistaken
4. a case doesnt mean anything. what matters, inside.
5. church, is also kinda complicated.
6. a good leader knows how to appreciate their ordinates as a friend without i guess in the future larger scale neglecting, turn off thir alertness of being betrayed and such.
7. good leader able to sound, play with assumptions. they may sounds indecisive. but yeah, they knew how to make a leverage and gained the best benefit of it.
8. why not so good looking guys able to get pretty girls, only 2 possiblities availability:
- the guy is super rich.
- the guy is smart. they know how to play with the mind i guess. when to such a lovely guy and other time, such a leader or to be expensive.

well, i'll write more if there were interesting things happened in my life. but for now that was all. it was an adventurous, full of surprises day. =) niteyyyy

the day i met new friends

it is really amazing to always meet new friends and so does the old ones after a certain period of time. there is this ticklish feeling inside me whenever i meet them, sometimes, excited, happy, or even scared, and might be the urge to behave, which most likely to fail.

i just love being surrounded by people and friends not being excluded of course, but yeah, sometimes i just love the existence of other human's existence. they can give you an amazing surprise you could never expect since you are not iiving their life. well, i just love you guys, and just do not betray my feelings, cause it hurts and will take some time to heal by itself to the scars you might be making in my heart.

secrets

everybody does have a secret, might be big or small. depends. 

well, in short, i knew a man, whose kind of i have no idea what he is thinking about in his head. what he is up to, what are his plans and stuff like that. i dont know whether he is doing whatever he is doing now really dilligently, or is it a love of money, or just to get out of his circumstances or what, i dont know. To me, this man is a man in all this mysterious sphere around him, seems like i have no idea about the real him throughout the years i started to understand things the way adults think things are. 

well, i ask the most important woman in my life, about him. is this man the same man throughout his entire life? well, she recapped what she felt about this man in the past. she told me that this man was a really good and normal sociable man previously. Till one spot came up and made a twist in his journey of living. Might be some betrayal among his relatives made him the way he is today or maybe.. tht is him now and then, the real him, nobody knows for sure. But yeah, thats how life goes sometimes. its like just using ink. when it drops, not every drops would make a stain and so does disappear. depends on the material the ink lands its feet unto. 

28/12/12

the day it was all written i think in our God's personal diary of our life. I met this friends last holiday. They were a group of initially 9  with the main 4 characters in them. Seeing their love to each other and care, i saw so much friendship which i adore and sometimes the feeling of not willing to let go as well. btw, im now in my hometown, school holiday which thought coming to school was such a freaking nightmare, i had better not to think about it. 

anyways. the thought of getting older, family and stuff is never getting simpler. instead, through stories of family problems, relationship problems, those kind of things even makes life seemed to me even more complicated. but today, alot of contrast being brought into my vocabulary of experiences which lesson taken, might become useful to prepare myself in the near future. I learnt a lesson that true friends would be there for u through the good and the bad, 

In was a cloudy afternoon, suddenly my phone rang. It was my friend, called and suddenly just asked me and my sist out for a talk for tommorow's plan to meet my other friend, initial, C proposed gonna be girlfriend. He is called N, the one who called me was H. by the time we reached the end of the street i was living at, i saw a car, full of 3 other people, which means, it would be damn tight here broh. lol. Anways, it was then raining not so long after. We were just driving around planning to go some unknown place but found out wouldnt be nice as to chat about those kind of "stuff". At the end, we just drove around and just parked ourselves to the neares mall just max was like 500-700m just around our house. Then, we just bought some snacks and freaking i didnt know how long it takes to just decide waht and what time the 'event' to meet our dearest 2 friends meeting up tommorow. 

after such a long long winded discussion of just a meeting we ended up this discussion, besides, one of us need to go but after some again random agreement we just decided, ok, lets go have some dinner. The dinner was great we ate various meat btw, snake, chicken, beef and lastly lizard? small komodo thing. ahahha it was so nice btw. Then during the journey to home, our friend, K was telling us about his love long distance relationship gonna be ever. he was we didnt really sure waht he was actually wanted to find out. Because at the end of his 2 months days of approaching this girl, he wanted to really found out whether they should be together instead, at the same time meaning, the girl would be asked to join his journey in this town instead of hers. Well, it was such controversial 2 months time to me, to decide and to ask whether such things should be asked. My beloved mom, were just telling me, that things have just changed, and to her, life is just another adventure, which incident, tripped off by the rocks of life will be such inevitable journey. I learnt, things had changed, 2 months now is such a considerably a long time, which i was ideally thinking supposingly 6 months. 

i wrote shit btw, it was just my journey today, what i was thinking and i thought was right to be done. i personally believed such question should be asked after a true relationship had been made for such a time. However, some controversial thoughts came up, if this kinda thing never been asked, where is this relationship gonna be going to? such pointless, tiring, time consuming acts would complicate when feelings come about the eyes of logical objectivity. at the end of the story, love would be asking for a sacrifice. the question would be, whose ego gonna be sacrificed, would be there any? 

when storms seemed to cover up your way, the stong Christians would asked God, what they should do and asked Him about His plan. Thanks God, for this writting platform i always liked to do. reminded that at the end its not only the logic would take a place of success, but the path which God had been preparing for us. God is there, but we humans like to forget His hands involvement in our life. Such a long lost kid, let us always be reminded with the presence and God's guidance. =)

Start of something new.. Start using blogger.. :D :D: Hello 2013

Start of something new.. Start using blogger.. :D :D: Hello 2013: The beginning of January, it's time to start something new, something different, and start to make new resolution for 2013. :D :D :D I am a...

HIIII!

welcome back to the land of reality. today was just my last day of my first week nothing much to do at school come back. Well, i do have something to do though.. but yeah, still in that kind of mood. as you know.. lepaaakkk

i'll begin my story and findings.
my 2013 has to be:
- graduate
- successing IAF
- be thinner, at least 6-8 kg less than now??
- i just wanna be succesful. more determination =)

well, lets see how this year goes. stay positive, me!