Thursday, February 28, 2013

WE BEGIN WITH DOUBTS END UP WITH SMILE

i have a wish in my mind.
to say how much i admire friends in my life. like the most important people in my life.
well, i think im gonna do it for my on bday. i'll distribute evry single letter myself and hopefully they are all appreciate it. =)

i was so excited since this morning i sat on the toilet bowl. i think id better do it soon or wrote or just spill it here so that i can start my work.

i have doubts in my mind as well. I like this guy. i message him n shit. but seemed like there is no positive response to it. like really.. =( but he seemed so perfect. he is not that charming like prince charming but i really like him because he is a really good friend. he does really care for everyone. at least i wish i can kept him for myself. but oh well, dream is just a dream right? i still need to stand on the ground. do not fly because it would be hard to stand on the ground again when you do so. my friends all supported me and try to motivate me. they said that we kinda look alike. but what's the point. a false hope isn't it?

Dear God, i begin not to like this game. if he meant not to be a part of my life. significantly, just erase this feeling. when i sleep, when i eat, or even when i do shit. i am kind of afraid of this false hope and shit, i really do. but, i still want to keep him as my friend. such a precious one. should not be thrown just like that. all that matters is just my feeling though. dont let it run too wild...

i am in doubt as well about my future. i dont know how is it going to be. i dont know whether i can still  stay in sg for at least a year or 2? then i would love to go somewhere else or even indo to get a living or something.

i just wish right now i found a boyfriend. who is dependable and he suited Your purpose as well. i have no direction o God. Please guide me. Show me the light. Close the doors that is not suppose to be my way of living. But please open the correct road for me.

i know i am an insecure late bloomer. but i wished that You help me get through this. I know You have the best plan in my life. Let me see it God. Thank you so much for all the friends that You have given me. All the adventurous experience You have facilitated me. All the good things that happened in my life and shaped me. To look back. I have changed a lot. To the better and the worst. But i like myself better right now. I really do. Be harsh to  me if You dont like any particular behaviour in my life. Just, let me know clearly about it. Cause im a bit dumb.


THANK YOU GOD! <3 loads="" p="" u="">

Saturday, February 23, 2013

hapy bday my friend jm!

yesterday we celebrate our besties bday. we made a stupid video surprise. i was acting like this guy and make a scenario in such a stupid way.  it was really2 fun.
then, we went to zirca. it would close on the 23rd feb 2013, sobz. it is an awesome place i guess. the first time i went to a club that packed. you can feel all the sweat and was even hard to breathe. but i dont know, was funnnn! YOLO kind of shit btw. =)

ytd was fun! really2 fun! was a day worth written in pictures both words. a day full of just love of giving and excitement. happiness and all the YOLOness. =D

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

19 feb 2013

im still alive.
breathing.
sitting in front my computer.
along with schoolmates, we all struggling to do our stuff.
to fight our own laziness
thats it, thats all we do.
lol

hmm, i feel pretty empty. i want to chat with this person i like, but yeah, he might freaked out also if i did such stuff. so yeah, nvm. i just hope, my "road" will be opened if he is the one. but God, just close that door if i would be just like dust in the air in his life. the easiest, just erase my feeling if he have nothing in me. thats all i asked for today onwards about relationship thing. lol.

good day myself. ganbatte for the work! u can do it bitch!
who's the bitch?
me. wtf! lol

Thursday, February 14, 2013

awkwardness

i just really realized and feel, time does tests evrything and instant things wont last taht long or have no side effects either.

well, today was a rainy day but i felt quite happy cause i am able to meet my dearest besties at school. yeah, the day was just great till the moment that message came. words came out. how r u doing kid? he asked me. have been such a weird thing to occur, cause he had never even called me with my stay in sg for almost 4 years. me, and my sist are just not close to him. but all of sudden he became too close? asked how do i do for like 3 consequtive days which i felt like its been a week. so awkward. really. was trying to be less formal but it seemed it did not work though.

our relationship have never been that close all these years. i am not closing that door i guess. its just that i think it sounds like an irony when supposingly ur second most important person in your life wanted to make gaps even closer between us. nothing is instant i suppose. sudden change 180 degree like this is too extreme i felt. i felt threatened? im not really sure what is that feeling but yeah, it did not come naturally either. sad i guess. but yeah, sometimes its just the fact and i just have no idea to fix it either. i felt a bit guilty but i cant really help it too.

lifetime

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

a journey to love and being loved

good morning =)

today is the fourth day of chinese new year. so yeah, in the modern chinese family living, i dont think there would be a lot of people going to visit their relatives anymore (unless the true chinesemen i guess).

yesterday, i felt the most chinese in my whole entire life. i learnt how to play mahjong, gamble, and last but not least, ate tons of snacks and steamboatttt at my friend's house. we all won, except our banker and his lover. maybe the wind of luck not yet came to them. it was really really awesome. =)

well, i came back home super late and now, im in school wanted/wishing able to do work. But, i just need to write this before so called i do my worksss.

i was in the bus, wandering until a point that says, hey, to love and being loved. this is our life. financial  vs relationship? i bet it is the only reason which made life always become more dilematic. crossroad of life, when you grow older and have a family, u will find this quite often, especially guys because they are suppose and normally( sorry about my sexism view) become the backbone of the family. you might not realized even the love over money is a journey to being loved.

while we are all kids, we just want love. from our parents, relatives, whoever. its like the sign of our need of love. we grow up as a teenager, the love that we got from parents alone no longer enough, therefore, we tried to find love, to love and being loved. as an adult, we work, try to get some money to love and being loved. the love of money gave you a push to earn, in which i believe have a tie to be loved by people. from the people you love or from the social and community and so on, to get respect and status from other people. we grew old, we have kids and grandchildren, tired of working, i want to love myself and along with my wife/husband, lets have a good life, enjoy our love. if only we have grandchildren and kids, you want them to love you right?

our journey of life, is a journey to find love. but in order to gain love, one had to give their love to be loved. at the end of our journey of life, none would care of how much money you have in the account, instead, they remembered how you give them love. for your own self, you need to be able to give and get some love. without love i dont think people can survive, enjoy their life and such.

as the bible said, love is the most valuable gift, the gift of love. i agreed, and just understand it i guess. it is such a powerful "thing" which make life so colorful and warm.



Monday, February 11, 2013

simply 11 feb 2013

a day after cny.
i eat with my friends for buffet.
i woke up with such a happy mood.
we meet. we eat. we laugh. we sit. we chat.
nice.

then i thought i said things wrongly i guess. the way i said things even its only just watsapp.
i was trying to be myself and trying to be friendly i suppose. even i dont know whether that intention actually perceived as it suppose to be or not... i freaked out cause its not my friend yet. so yeah, i just cant think i looked like a freak before anyone know me.

me, there is always this tiny black hole in me. in which tendency, blaming myself over things. i really hate this. now im kinda having it.

however, i was impressed with this person, he and his feminist kinda thoughts. i began to admire him. well i did before but yeah, cause i thought, he is cute. =)
kinda slap on my face whatever he said. i think me , have this tendency to underestimate girls even though me myself is a girl. honourable thoughts of him i suppose. he appreciated girls in a nice way which i think rare i suppose. he is such a gem hopefully, worth keeping or maybe its just me, such a close minded girl who thinks she started to see the world?

not so sure though. but for sure, i need to be brave. think highly maybe a bit higher than now of yourself. the reason maybe i have not yet have anyone in my life, maybe because of my self-destructive thoughts which at the end became such a huge wall and blocked my way. me and my short spirit just let the energy gone, surrender and make myself sit still, starring that wall.

i did not know what make me become such a person. i need to change. God, help me. me and my thoughts. keep it positive o God...


Sunday, February 10, 2013

10 FEB 2013

FIRST OF ALLLL
HAPPY CNYYYY!

=D

Today was totally the most unexpected day in my life. kinda sad when your family were not with you but yeah, it was still totally awesome. started with my day in the church. i managed to go out with my friends ard my age today, without trying to sound like a weird kid in the community, i managed to go out and had a good lunch with them. plus, i didnt know what got into me today till i was daring to ask for a guy to be (im not totally sure what is that in english, but yeah, a guy to be so called, candidate to be my bf). well, such a funny story though. this guy, kinda cute, but still damn freaking awkward to even say hi or something. he is B. lol. i was invited to see this guy for a cny dinner thing at NUS. but i was too shy besides, was thinking i would sound, seemed damn desperate if i do so. so the meeting canceled.

however, i continued my journey, with my other friend i knew from an organization. it was just 3 of us. after a movie me with our famous leader in that org. we met his subordinate whom is my roomies btw. we hung out at starbucks from abt 7 till 11pm. talking about visions, intrigues, hopes, love. all. the ups and the down of wahtever he had achieved so far. it was really2 awesome. i do admire him, our leader. he had such a tough muscular outercase, with such a melanchollical, choleric, sanguine personalities inside. a pure love towards the family. strong will with a proper vision. been through a hard life in his own way. such an honour i was able to meet him. how corrupted an organization could be. their political moves and stuff. it was really, wow!

i learnt a lot. i was having fun as well.

in the shortest expression:
1. a leader is a person with a strong will. they would try no matter what it would cost.
2. successful person measured by their family unity over their financial.
3. even goodwill often being mistaken
4. a case doesnt mean anything. what matters, inside.
5. church, is also kinda complicated.
6. a good leader knows how to appreciate their ordinates as a friend without i guess in the future larger scale neglecting, turn off thir alertness of being betrayed and such.
7. good leader able to sound, play with assumptions. they may sounds indecisive. but yeah, they knew how to make a leverage and gained the best benefit of it.
8. why not so good looking guys able to get pretty girls, only 2 possiblities availability:
- the guy is super rich.
- the guy is smart. they know how to play with the mind i guess. when to such a lovely guy and other time, such a leader or to be expensive.

well, i'll write more if there were interesting things happened in my life. but for now that was all. it was an adventurous, full of surprises day. =) niteyyyy