spring comes after winter

outside my window i saw an old willow tree withered, covered in snow. It was not so much of beauty as i saw right when i woke up from my bed in the morning. Yeah, anyway, I smelt some egg outside. Mom must have cooked for us. we all know her cooking skill but yeah, eggs in the morning wont do any harm right? I am hungry.

it was pleasant, as always, dad was sipping his coffee while reading the newspaper. I saw my sister, well dressed, sitting sleepily on her seat on the dining table. Me, i just woke up with my hair all messy but awake. Mom, she looks alright, as always, clean, well maintain hair and her apron.

Yesterday night was, really creepy. I felt the earth shook badly. The whole house shook and i started to saw cracks on the wall of the second floor, my room. The bed and furnitures did move on its own because of the earthquake. It was my first, it made me feel dizzy, like vertigo? i thought so. Dad said we all could be dead, however, he managed to do things fast, thus, it was all are save now.

ANYWAY,
about my crush, he is with someone now. FINALLY, I Can seriously move on. im still jobless but yeah, i am not worry anymore. it is almost the end of 2013. I would never know what is going to happened. but yeah, happy that i certainly knew a few people does care for me.
this time around not so much of feelings would be incorporated into anything in my life related to human beings. i hope some good ones really go for me. i dont know. HE knows best.
errmm, i still cant see my crush. but its ok. he is fine too. we'll see what shits await. This crush was not bad at all,  i wasnt loosing or not attractive or anything though. my crush may have a crush for me too at first. but yeah, he knows me too well or what. but i do know he is not yet my cup. i do believe my mistake was i tried to please him so much till i dont know who was i. it was funny. i apologized so much by then. it was funny how love made you became so stupid, i never thought i could be that omg..
about my love, it was basically clear in my mind how was it and too long to be described.

first love was just meant to fall.
could not agree less.

this is the end of my love story for my lovely JACK. will soon gonna open and write another chapter of adventure. finding the true love? or what you call it? trust, care and share. ROBERT, WHERE R U? LOL

those awesome people i met outside

i started my day in maybe so called office? not so yet found my answer whether i am going to stay in sg or go back home cuddle my dolls and pets though.
well, go to the point, i met these amazing people in the office. 3 ladies whom take full time job as project managers and executive whom are all taking part time lesson at SIM. regardless what major they are taking, it is so admirable to be so. The extra spirit they take for a maybe so called prosperous life. i dont really know though. well...

i compare myself to them. can i do the same? is it possible? have i do enough effort?
lets see hw it goes=)

keep smilling and move on

sunny day.. and im going back home tomorrow. We call it home. Because that is where our mom, dad, and siblings live. I wonder, how is it going to be... I have no job yet. Feel like giving up sometimes but yeah, im still alive and life just need to move on.. there is still traces of my crush in my head. but well, u need to move on too. Nobody cares what u felt other than yourself and God. Yup. that is life. im alone and for ur note, be tough girl. it is just a beginning of an exciting journey.

escape please

i fell too deep to a well. It was so deep that i found myself falling crazy in it. It was pretty dark and cold. Therefore, i could really felt the warmth when the sun shone unto my face.  I was all alone for quite sometime inside. captivated in the dark well. I was all alone and i started to imagine this person who is so perfect in my mind. He is so perfect as if he fits me and feed my hunger of communicating with some other human beings these days. He is charming. He has a good sense of humour. He is smart and has a great smile. He loves me no matter what i do or think or say. He has never been angry. It was so enticing in which warmth i indulge in and manage to survive in that dark well. I am still trapped inside till one point, he started to change. I think he is angry, i think i said something wrongly. I was sad and lonely for one more time. But it motivates me, to get up and try something to climb the well. I saw no sign of help and that fight makes me think, i need to get out of this well and move on or else i will die alone in here. Such a tragic end i think. stupid. 

I tried and manage to climb the well halfway. I fell again, to that deep, dark, cold well again. My hands were wet and i got some blisters here and there. But i could not stop here, right now... i shouted with some few energy left in my body. I am starting to loose my voice in an hour. What i can do now, preserve my energy. He has never appeared anymore but it did not change the fact that i am still in the dark well. I need to get out of this place.i would be dead if i did not manage to come out of this dark well.

i am scared. the only miracle is sunlight and a person or things which could lift me just up there. I miss freedom. Running around, dry, and the warmth of the day. I missed it so much. I am still in it. It was only a piece of my brain which think i was out there, in the house making and drinking some tea. in fact, i am still here, take me out.. God.. make me out of this well or just take out my soul out of my body. Put me on that warm ground outside the well. I missed all the warmth, my house, my family, all laughters, and... love. true love.  

what is going on in my life

I dont have any idea what is thiss suppose to mean. i am changing. i think im more introverted now. with all the consequences. i do become like more silence above all. i like to be sort of alone sometimes. when i met people i will laugh but yeah, i have no idea what is wrong with my mind. 

i cant tell what kind of person i am right now. 

i like to read.

i like not to tell so much about myself

i tend to stop telling people what i was thinking.

be smart dude. what is said will be used against you.

a quote from  some guy. wise ones.

secrets are good. it makes you feel in control?

no idea what it is. 

i like being in control.

maybe its an A blood stereotype but yeah i think its kinda really true

im slightly sad? stres? or what?

i should be wiser. less talking. read more and be more contentful. be accomodative and open to ideas and critique. Control your face and gesture. I need to train it. be smart. survive.

FUCK

i think i have a bit of mental problem today.

Yesterday i was fine so does the other day. But today, i just feel like just stop caring so much about me.
when you dont care just dont pretend that you care. its like Oh gosh, please, stop it. i feel like screaming,  i feel like just get it off my mind. but yeah dont seemed like working
i hate my inner self abit today. but i just feel angry towards my dad.
he annoys me
he asked how r u?
which doesnt mean fucking anything to him i suppose. like seriously, he never ask almost any shit when we do really meet. i hate it man. when u dont give a fuck, then just dont fucking pretend that u care. please.

i hate two face people
stop it self, u fuck ur own mind with hatred.
stop it

just stop ur fucking mind for this kind of thoughts.

FUCKKKKK
WHATS WRONG WITH ME???

first love meant to fall =D

i just read my own writting,

It was so funny that I am soooo incapable of making my promise unbroken in a matter of feelings.
i promised to stop texting. Well it did not happened that smoothly.
well, as promised, we finally went out. I met his brother. HE IS SO DAMN GOOD LOOKING AND SMART. GOD. COMPARE TO HIM, he sat next to me, i could see, you are still a kid. Seriously, we looked like kids i think. lol

we talked so much. It was fun, he told me that his dad were lazy and kind of stop monetarily funding them. wow! I felt blessed cause my family is not that kind. and then, nobody's perfect anyways. no family does, i had my own problems and pain as well. LOVE OR MONEY? you choose.
He as well told me that he basically go against stereotype. Do not ever judge me the same as others. Creepy a little. He is not that approachable. He is smart and he has his own mind. He is logical as fuck. He dont use feelings sometimes. it is all logic inside his mind. I want to get that thinking as well. i hate being so emotional. tiring. Spread me some logic dude. please. would be great.
anyway, yeah, he is a good friend but not so close one. I think he created his own wall for everyone. I dont exactly know why. He just says, i dont trust anyone.

he programmed his future. i understands now why his priority became this way. Your family and past shaped you the way you are now. Strong will people usually had their own pressure that made them hard as steel.

Too smart maybe not so much a blessing as well.

Well, i did texted him the last time that he should make a move. which totally, shit. i dont mean it was me though. loools. watever been said stays there, u cant take it back. Act normal. just smile around him like what i usually do to everyone. make him a friend. Friendship lasts, right? anyway, i deleted his number i just save it in my screenshot. just in case something urgent coming up. nooo turning back.

move on dude. it was nice to fall in love. It was maybe my first, I tried. I am not lose. i was brave. Thanks God for this first love you may call it. Thank God, You make me fall to this kinda guy. Because he is not boastful or else i will not be able to fall in love again, ever. because of the shame, is suppose. Making a move and shit. wow. was hillarious. Next one? hahahahha I believe he is there somewhere, its just that we have not yet meet. <3 p="">

the lost world

it eases my mind to look at my past, happy pictures in my fb. Smiles, laughters and friends. I felt so content. My heart felt warmer. I dont need a thousand people to care or love me. Just a few. Would do. I felt lonely. I know one of my friend cares. However, she cared for me too much and with such care I felt I should not burden her with such problems of uncertainty of mine. I just need a break. But i have no idea where to find it right now. I felt quite tired, mentally. Nobody knows my burden or is it me who just being tooooo sensitive or not tough? I want to runaway for a while.

Few possibilities which relates to the future I suppose. I am not so sure what to do. One choice leads to the other, I dont want to make my parents dissapointed in me. I have my own responsibility and pride as well, i dont want to be such a burden for them too. Some people being allowed to chill. For me, nope. I had no choice right now. My dad seemed like wanted me to stay where i am now. But logic and evidence said, it is going to be tough. I need advisors. i am confused. like, really.

Seems like i dont have faith. Faith dont come on its own and says, hey, you come here, work here and all. You need to know the radar. Where does it goes and receive it in a correct way. I cant tell my so called "sisters" in church. They said, pray and do your best. I did my best. I applied to over 100 companies which have not exactly any replies. nobody wants to hear complaints. It is like fuck this shit.

I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TAKE THE RISK OR JUST BE AN OPPORTUNISTS. FUCK THIS SHIT. AFTER I COME OUT OF THIS TUNNEL I SURELY 100 THOUSANDS TIME STRONGER. FUCKKKKK!!!!! I WONT COVER THIS FUCKING SWEARING! FUCCCCCKKKK YOUUUU! IT REFERS TO NO ONE THOUGH. I DONT BLAME GOD OR ANYONE. FUCK YOUUUU~~~ FUCK U VERY VERY MUCH~~~~

so good. =)

it was a bad day, but yeah, not really anymore

hey,
i got an internship at HBA. for silly 1 week. i know its odd, but yeah,
hehehe it was so exciting.

anyway, im now jobless, still trying to find a job, but yeah, im not sure about it either.

i just confess? i dont know.. i feel bad for always talking / chatting my crush
i do think he has no crush for me at all. well, a wake up call, indeed.
i cried really badly ytd. over my pass, house, and quarelling with mom.
it was a bad fight. but yeah. it was over.
now left with my fight of the pass, my future.

i wished that my crush have feelings or at least a be a close friend like my so called besties guy friend in my hometown. i dont know, he is a good listener. i feel bad abt it. i want to lean on someone. but unfortunately i think God had made it very clear he is not ur ace card. i shall stop bothering him with all my stories. he was just not care.

stop leaning on him any more. it doesnt work. stop it.
at least my heart doesnt feel hurt this time. i think im done with him. seriously

under the sun

hellow again!

been awhile missing from this blogging though =). i went for a graduation trip to bali, lombok, gili, jogja and lastly bandung in 2 weeks. it wassss really2 awesome! i was so content and happy, hopefully this spirit still last till forever. =D

i saw not much worries of the future for now. What i can do now is not missing any action. i like to think, but not doing anything about it. that was the source of all the emo ness that i had. i need to read more books as well. it does give me a more self contentment and somehw make me love myself slightly better. It was a great2 holiday. i was tired but happy and content. so far it gave me a more positive energy.

i may not still be a good advisor nor a good listener, nor a good writter. but i know that i am a good giver. i can give my heart to the person i care. i have a wide smile and laughter which maybe people like. i have warmth. from now on, no more chasing my crush! okie? i was a bit tempted to talk to him n stuff again, i was missing from church for almost a month. i saw him this morning during the praising time, he shook my hand and smile while saying "ikem". my heart thumps, luckily my face not red. i went to the toilet and could not help myself from smilling. looking at my ungorgeous self ( i have not yet slept, i had no make up, just a specs). my heart slows down and i came back to my seat. the preacher preached for 1 hour +-. i could not really concentrate though. i was there in the same room till the whole entire ceremony ends. he was sitting at the back rows from the podium, he came in front to chit chat and stuff with the singers today. i was surprised, owh, he is close with her (she got bf alr, not a competitor, wtf! lol!)now. i saw him in a glimpse i was talking to a lot of other people at that time about pass and all. i am just wondering, is he looking at me as well? to think about it, i still cannot get rid of him from my mind, but, i am now more controlled i think, it was still sweet. like a small confetti in my mouth. just a taste of it, till it is gone, then im fine =). my love? if u call it love? reduced, which is good!

the simplest quote which help me get through was
" if there is no chemistry, then it is not it! chill, do not be too serious over relationship."
we have no chemistry, what i should do, be happy, and mingle more, meet morreee people, be yourself, be more positive. =D

abouuuttttt yesterday i think

it is weird. i started to just let him go. but seems like he get even closer to me i guess? we talked we laughed we just become friends i guess. hopefully it would keep good this way.  at least i know he is not mad or avoid me. we had simply a foolish discussion about girls should chase or give hints to guys. instead of chasing they dont mind being chased instead. i was like, "so you felt like a king huh?"
lol. my ex-crush nod and laugh. like, what the hell! what is that suppose to meannn? there were 4 of us that day anyways.. but it shows that, guys maybe have changed. the idea of girls being pursued kinda rare unless u r damn desirable i think. i dont know. im new in this game tho. About sunday, it is kinda cute, he suddenly just approached me and say, hi kem. wow, kinda rare... all the awkwardness come by again. hahahah

orrrrrrr,
maybe actually attracted to this girl next to me? her name is E. we call her E.. . i saw him sat next to her one moment when i was busy somewhere talking to other people. she is very kind, mature, like to laugh and smile, so calm. unlike me. im totally the opposite, have i no chance? shit. square 1. no no no. im good with myself. im good if we r just friends. im gonna be a i dont know.. hahahaha.

healing..

today is not bad at all.
quite tense at the beginning, but yeah, today i managed to get my aircon fixed, get a problem solved, do my project, last but not least, i found that i like myself a bit more today. Achievements? even though there is nothing big about it but i dont feel that moment that i became so sad over unreciprocated love over my crush.

i think i can turn my page to the next pretty soon. =)
a stranger, not really a stranger i suppose, she knows me bcoz she knows my mom anyways, hopefully, mom didnt make me firstly sound soooo sad or pitiful. reason being, i think should be kept as a secret yet.

i still kept talking abt "him" to my friends, and it makes me happy though, which at the same time, makes me healed faster i guess because when u talk abt  it a loooot u realized, it was, not it is. That's why, it does work for me. I realized it was fun and change me i think a bit. nothing bad about falling in love. even though at the end you may not get what you want, but who cares!

im not trying to sell or oversell myself as well, maybe more likely motivate myself? it is okay u didnt like me as much as i do but you'll regret that because i just realized, i have high tolerance as a person (im not joking, i just realized), i can stand most kind of people, i think im kinda good in becoming a communicator between boss n seller/ something like that. i love people. im gonna be prettier i wish! i am kinda person who will finish what she starts, she would have bigger will and heart to be a better person. missing me, is your loss.

game?
restart? continue?
10
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0 game over.
restart?

yes.
=)

a lot like love , the pursuit of happiness review

these 2 movies were awesomeee
totally make my day. =)

the pursuit of happiness make me realized that i have to work harder for whatever i dream. be smart and dont always cried unless its necessary. there is always a way to survive if u want it so bad. If u really want it, u will work 3-4 times harder n sometimes, take a risk, but be smart! =)

secondly, a lot like love make me learn that ur so called destined person will make its way if u r destined to be together. there is no rush needed at the end, they will get back together again. i was so touched because the guy was so nerdy and the girl was so cool but yeah, she was a bitch. but in 6 years, they both changed in a good way. =)

who is my destiny? wondering, will i as well meet him like in some random airport? having some random strolls together, fling in summer relationship status but always be able to get back to our own path and at the end get back together again?

those 2 are should watch movies lads..
;)

suddenly i got a text regarding a show. it makes me urrghhh!!! i dont know why i feel so angry about it, well my crush. he seriously, i dont know whether he is avoiding me or what?? i seriously feel like punching him.
PMS IS BETTER. Makes me feel like myself more. GOOD self! u should be so! i think im moving on. hopefully.. hopefully..

i feel like exploding

i feel like exploding
i feel like exploding
i feel like exploding

it is okay self, chill. now do what you need to do. do according to ur plan, later on juggle ok? everything is gg to be settled. sooner or later. do slowly one by one. concentrate, ditch the rest and come back later.

MONDAY 13TH
1. recheck ur studio 1pm-3pm
2. update behance 4-6pm
3. excersice 7-9pm
go home 9-10
4. iaf fucking schedule 10-12pm
5. promote iaf. ALL THE FUCKING TIME. LOL.. YAYYY!

TUESDAY 14TH
10.30am -school
10.30am-11am printing poster

1. recheck ur studio 11AM-3pm

2. update behance 4-6pm

3. excersice 7-9pm

wow. sounds a lot to me... sounds like a plan though lol
why do i want to explode?
nothing is finish or progressing
i keep thinking but did nothing to it
things coming up more
i need to sell tickets, duty for me.
=.=' contacting people sometimes makes you crazy

a bit of reflection of myself today.

loadss of things really happening around you. If only you get yourself dirty and yeah dipped ur hands in it. It is just a matter of involvement indeed. Sometimes im just feeling im not giving in my all. my spirit is like a fire, sometimes burns sometimes not. well, im not sure basically of myself. have i given my best in all i did? or simply i just give up and jump to some other thing like a child gets bored in what she likes. i feel bad abt myself. im kinda undependable, less spirited, dumb kinda, emotional. all that shit ...

i need to be more passionate in whatever i do. do things with all ur heart. God, let me learn the lessons. 

=)

hi again,

i felt happy today. sort of. my day ended nicely with a heart warming story from an aunty i just met on the lift. its kinda heart warming in such a small but extremely "cold" city like this, an aunty still cares about others. She brought some leftovers from the restaurant that she worked and given them to the people in the neighbourhood whom are not that lucky. It was such a great story i guess.

Makes me think, sometimes what u might need to make urself happy is a simple thought of caring about others. Make a difference for them =).  A side of my mind was saying that I need to have a good financial security in my life. I wanted to do this. to do that. well, again, yeah, i think it just makes me think. how am i gg to make my life more meaningful? maybe... happier? =)

its totally over

i think my crush avoiding me like hell now. im kinda a bit heartbroken though. I tried, but yeah, he had never been interested in me in the first place i think. i scared him really.

i deleted wahtever there in my phone. i still have his number, but i wont easily contacted him anymore. enough breaking your heart my dear sweetie. enough. u tried, but yeah, the answer is no no. He just cant take u of who u r though. so yeah, but u r gg to be fine. u r strong! he is just not that guy ok? u r just assuming, u know. u tried, but yeah, it didnt work. dont mess ard anymore. stop hurting yourself. stop choking urself with this guy who dont really care about you anymore. you stupid girl. indeed really stupid. its gg to take a while, but yeah, no worries, i think God prepared somebody else for me. =) 

God, just help me not to hurt myself anymore. just heal this crack. lol. let me just forget. let me get up and fly again. =) Thanks god!! 

sadness?

i think im sad.
ytd my mom just called me. it made me, miss her even more. she understands me as i always ever thought about her, she calms me down and supported me always...
i have never tell her about some stuff... hahahha secret is always best.

i still cant let go off the thoughts of my crush hating me because the things i have said last time. but seemed like right now, i would be just gone from his mind like ashes. really stupid, indeed. i suppose not to say that earlier. ever. now me myself, feeling hurt, not yet that bad... i think he avoided me. long text is a no no i think. but yeah, seems like im out of his teritory ever. even though he is still replying but yeah, nothing much, he will not try to entertain me either. i dont know whether its because he is busy or what, im not sure, and could never be. today should be my last day texting him without any reason thing...

it should be my last. maybe have to, to be exact.

Thing in mind

Well, today is monday. i could feel my first day called, freedom day? Not so sure what about those though. I watched iron man 3 dude! it was awesomeeee!!

anyway, i have been feeling weird, unsatisfied, or sad, i am not sure... something is lacking but yeah, im not sure what that is though. hahahhaha im such a weirdoooooo... 

another thoughts i had today...

am i really falling in love? or its just a form of curiosity? am i lost in this battle? do i have any chance? stupid unnecessary thoughts tho. but yeah, apart of growing up? ahhahhahaha such a late bloomer. i think im gonna stop chasing. its stupid. in the future i think u r going to get urself cheated this way if u do give all ur effort an shit for him. realllll stupid. xp. 

wake up dude! wake up! be sane!

love yourself. even more. u deserve a better person. chase another impala or watever u called those preys. lol. u r gonna regret not to keep me. i can give my whole heart and all to the person i love. even friends anything.. i know its stupid. but yeah, thats me and maybe my only gift from God? I think so. yeah, tahts me maybe. maybe... 

after this, i shall erase all my sadness and worries. that prince gonna come. no worries. =) Thanks God for this experience because i think it somehow makes me change. i am less mean now, i think. Thanks for it God. Thanks for it. =)

hello. its 3.29 am in the morning. my third day at school staying over with 6-7 people working on our own projects. Assesment is just 2 days ahead. I was so freaking anxious this afternoon because i was hillariously eavesdropping somebodyelse's conversation today, they were talking about this viva voce, final year presentation about your project and some other stuff. I was so freaking scared even though it is still next week but the idea of standing in front of the lecture and explaining the idea of your project kinda thing scares the hell out of me. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. i was so scared. really. in my worst case of anxiousness, i texted several people, but they dont really reply that fast. Sometimes its just taht ur most important people in your lives, wont be around to calm u down the way ideally you wished they would. We all can do it, but lack of confidence makes u afraid it. even the smallest thing on earth may kill u without hesitation if one doesn have any confidence.

be confident of urself. JM says, we know things better than anyone else.
do ur best and let God do d rest

=)