i hate me sometimes

some other thoughts abt maybe future.

im currently studying  in sg. quite some distance from home. im almost graduate, and im just worried abt the future. my dad expect me like totally to get a job here. n i knw him well, he would not be nice if i didnt get any. i want to get a job here too. but i dont know whether i will get it since the foreign policy come out.

second, i was actually feeling burdened, i felt that i "float". at home, i have friends but maybe needed to be considered when they all have the other part of their heart, nothing will ever be the same. so does my sist, she wont be as fun as now especially when we are singles and counted as "kids" still. In sg, everything seemed to be just a mere fantasy. friends come and goes, my aunt is here but when her daughter is here, i dont think it will be that same anymore. aunt is still aunt. she is not my mother either.
other side of this floating phenomenon, is that i know my future in sg seemed to be working for others, unless god has other plan for me. in indo, i heard, a lot graduates in bandung are not able to support their own life, which i think, WTF. sorry for that words but i dont think we all should be like taht. it is not responsible. and i dont to be one of them. such a shame.

third, when i go home, i would maybe ard 23-24? which my parents wuld expect me to find a guy seriously for marriage i suppose, impossible to not be warned abt this matter anyways. we are asians still. i would just came back from sg if i did a get a job here, and if i cant find my own, they would find me one maybe. dont know. or lets say, 23-24 i am still in sg, no boyfriend also? it would be even worse. one part after marriage life, u need to have kids, deliver a baby, nurture them and teach them not to be such a shame. behave well, grow old with the usually become omg, how am i married this guy.., sick, go to wishfully heaven. i should go to heaven, unless i believe in the wrong God whom i believed the right one.

before i end my life one day, i want to be proud of whatever i have achieved. at least i dont want to be a shame for my parents. i have succesful job, good kids and they could be someone succesful also. maybe grandchildren? i would be also proud if i can be a good God's hand on earth too. but i doubt myself so.

sorry about such indecisive minds. its like i dont want this, i dont want that, so what do u want!

i want to be a guy sometimes, they would be more carefree. because they are designed to be so. not so emotional and sensitive. sometimes its sucks to be a girl. i hate this kind of feeling watever u call this. i want to be this person who are trully cheerful throughout their lifes and happy. which i think would almost be impossible. if there is this person, i wuld be jealous of this also. wtf self.

these all thigns are not yet happened but it is so bugging that i need to be responsible for whatever u called these things are. i hate this feeling. sad, angry, powerless. i hate that i always doubt myself, wtf me. i want to be able to say i can and it wuld happen as i say. but im too scared if i fail or not doing what i said. wth me. i hate u sometimes