sadness?

i think im sad.
ytd my mom just called me. it made me, miss her even more. she understands me as i always ever thought about her, she calms me down and supported me always...
i have never tell her about some stuff... hahahha secret is always best.

i still cant let go off the thoughts of my crush hating me because the things i have said last time. but seemed like right now, i would be just gone from his mind like ashes. really stupid, indeed. i suppose not to say that earlier. ever. now me myself, feeling hurt, not yet that bad... i think he avoided me. long text is a no no i think. but yeah, seems like im out of his teritory ever. even though he is still replying but yeah, nothing much, he will not try to entertain me either. i dont know whether its because he is busy or what, im not sure, and could never be. today should be my last day texting him without any reason thing...

it should be my last. maybe have to, to be exact.

Thing in mind

Well, today is monday. i could feel my first day called, freedom day? Not so sure what about those though. I watched iron man 3 dude! it was awesomeeee!!

anyway, i have been feeling weird, unsatisfied, or sad, i am not sure... something is lacking but yeah, im not sure what that is though. hahahhaha im such a weirdoooooo... 

another thoughts i had today...

am i really falling in love? or its just a form of curiosity? am i lost in this battle? do i have any chance? stupid unnecessary thoughts tho. but yeah, apart of growing up? ahhahhahaha such a late bloomer. i think im gonna stop chasing. its stupid. in the future i think u r going to get urself cheated this way if u do give all ur effort an shit for him. realllll stupid. xp. 

wake up dude! wake up! be sane!

love yourself. even more. u deserve a better person. chase another impala or watever u called those preys. lol. u r gonna regret not to keep me. i can give my whole heart and all to the person i love. even friends anything.. i know its stupid. but yeah, thats me and maybe my only gift from God? I think so. yeah, tahts me maybe. maybe... 

after this, i shall erase all my sadness and worries. that prince gonna come. no worries. =) Thanks God for this experience because i think it somehow makes me change. i am less mean now, i think. Thanks for it God. Thanks for it. =)

hello. its 3.29 am in the morning. my third day at school staying over with 6-7 people working on our own projects. Assesment is just 2 days ahead. I was so freaking anxious this afternoon because i was hillariously eavesdropping somebodyelse's conversation today, they were talking about this viva voce, final year presentation about your project and some other stuff. I was so freaking scared even though it is still next week but the idea of standing in front of the lecture and explaining the idea of your project kinda thing scares the hell out of me. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach. i was so scared. really. in my worst case of anxiousness, i texted several people, but they dont really reply that fast. Sometimes its just taht ur most important people in your lives, wont be around to calm u down the way ideally you wished they would. We all can do it, but lack of confidence makes u afraid it. even the smallest thing on earth may kill u without hesitation if one doesn have any confidence.

be confident of urself. JM says, we know things better than anyone else.
do ur best and let God do d rest

=)

weak minded girl

hei, this is h-4 from assesment day/ and tomo at 10am, we suppose to do online submission for some of our stuff. i am feeling so dragged doing anything today. seriously. i dont know what is wrong with me.

i made plans to do and stuff. but i didnt do it man. GoDdddd...

I may just need to get rid of this out of my head and put it aside at the backside of my head and yeah, i should just do things we could as much as possible.

i am highly2 sleepy. i finished my coffee but it affect nothing. maybe i should bathe??
but anyways.. i had this talk with my besties, it was just that i should not put my expectation too high. always prepare urself for the worst? hhahaha but yeah keep looking upwards! my head totally agreed with this idea. i wanted to follow that f***ing instruction of not to self destruct but i cant. silly head. sillllyyy idiot head. love urself. be who u are. find urself again. you are stronger than this u know.

GOD, please just help me to just love myself more. so no matter who the guy my destiny would show me in the future, i dont get cheated or hurt badly. i dont want to. Thanks God, for everything. it is indeed a fun journey  of living. to love and to be loved. =)

enjoy ur day girl! ganbate girl! u can do this! FINISH THIS OFF N U R A FREE BIRD!!!!!!!!!!!

coherence wise, i think my writting is really bad... lol! but yeah, wateverrrrr

lets try to answer some IELTS essay trial.. hehe

a question being asked. Some people like to do the same thing all over again, but some, likes to take chances which is being seen as a good choice of living. Discuss.

it is always been an interesting thing to look upon chances in different point of views. There is a good and bad thing about taking chances. It was not about the chances itself but the effect of taking it ,which matter the most. Since we all know, it is named chances because of its uncertainty of the future. Chances might be good to be taken. But it dont change the fact that not every chance neither work as you wish it will. A chance is an opportunity. Opportunity reflects risk.

I will not say that taking a chance is bad either because I witnessed myself that my uncle for his family certainty, he did not dare to make a big change for his business, because of some other issues he needs to take care of, and taking a chance, bigger ones meaning he need to kind of start afresh and concentrate even more to the new path he needs to go on which at the mean time was impossible for him to get distracted over it.

on the opposite side, Taking a chance is good. it opens your mind and may be possibly by taking it, opens up your door to a bigger success.

so yeah, i dont think both are good or bad. Both actions mentioned above have their own good and bad thing to be taken.

ikem.

hi 3.12 am now and its monday alreadyyyy and i havent really do significant amount of work,

im highly highly lazy doing any shit today. ahhahahah

interesting thing that i did today was... did a skit. it was seriously 2 sets of lines. BUT, i didnt know why, I just cant act as a normal bulliable maid as asked from the script. it was funny though, somehow, i think i just knew that i really like to see myself being laugh at i guess. anyways, a lot of people were laughing, so yeah, i think we put up quite a good show. someone i knw laugh at me a lot and this guy, so far i knew him, doesnt like to laugh that loud though. Such a limelight for me =)

next week, another performance. longer ones. well, lets see how it goes...

o yeah, i met this girl in the church whom is our singer in iaf event later in june. errrmmm, i think she is nice in person. i just had a free ice cream with her. hahahha what a date =D i think i need to socialize with the outter world more often. Im kinda stresseddddddd??? do not know for sure yet. o yeah, i think she got something on with my crush. wow!

well, watever, crush. xp you belongs to the world. hahahhaha.
seems like my so called "curse" came back. Good for u dude, but not for me. saddddd =(.
 but yeah, thanks for that feeling, but somehow im not sad, half dont care as well, we still can be friends i guess. such a good person should not go on a waste... but it doesnt mean im tht person who makes use of other people. NO IM NOOOOOOTTTT.....  today, i just had weird amazingly carefree mode i guess. soooooo, whats gonna happen next?

oh gossshhh!! 6 more days before assesment! it feels like we, us, here, the people behind the screen were really starting to loose our passion i guess. Some kinda give up a little sort of. hahahhh mentally pretty tired but yeah, almost there.

SCARYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!

i saw this post in utube about amazing people in kick andy shows. The biggest question on earth, am i gonna be happy in the end? and i realize, maybe to live to give kinda thinking would make u in your happiest. Well, ehat i h

xp

I am in the studio. still in the studio. with my so called, midnight friends.. hahahaha we've been on our I dont know how many second day time, we stayed at school. i totally think it is fun! but yeah, the fact that it is soon gonna be over kinda makes me feel hmmmm...

well, i was doing some cutting for the project, and my mind was thinking about something else. i was just thinking that family really shaped you alot. The personality you are having now came from the family became the part of you in even facing the society or circumastances, whatever you call it. I just think, take an example, 2 girls next to me, they are the last child, in which making them so much bolder, in a good way, they know how to appreciate themselves. In relation towards relationship, girls like this would never being cheated by the guy. TOTALLY AWESOMEEEE...

I dont know, but i am a conservative thinking girl who like girls to be treated like a girl and in my opinion should not get cheated by the guy for whatever reason. Even though, i feel sad too if the guy get cheated by the girl as well, but yeah, it still feel different. 

Some youtube gurus and some other google articles as well teaching everyone to firstly appreciate themselves. well yeah, in my case kinda hard, im the other way around of those girls stated above, i dont know is it because im the first child or not, but i am indecisive and tend to just let go (maybe psychologically had been situated to always let go some things, sharing love to your siblings and stuff). I am not so sure yet abt that but in my head it sounds really logical which if i dont write this thing, i might forget about this "precious" thoughts. LOL. 

waht about middle child syndrome? ahhahaahah not yet analyzing that one though, my close friends were mostly either first or last child... =)

one more precious lesson from dove beauty sketches project. it tells us, how often do we think we are the ugliest shit on earth and on the other people's eyes, you are totally an amazing person whom you never really care and appreciate for your own sake. The psychologist says, maybe you should not think of how you look outside. Because yeah, it is relative, "beauty" is subjective. The positive quality inside, the happier you makes the most charming person you could have ever seen. 

i am saying it as if me myself the happiest person ever, well, it was all from the internet mixed by my own thoughts. Wishfully, i can be that happy person, who can appreciate myself better. no more insecurity and shit. look up and shineeeee!!! =D

the wicked mindddd

i just saw this video of serial killer joel rifkin and jeffrey dahmer. they were both amazingly had a superb childhood. Lovely parents whom actually love them much but instead, after they broke up, changed him. These guys were like struggling to find themselves i think. However, they encounter things that they liked, fetishes were not that normal. but they just thought, hey, its my hobby and everybody deserves to be happy as well.

gosh..
i dont know what to say or how to react. it is sad, in a way that they somekind of not really having this sense of humanity, to be accepted and yeah, simply enjoy each other human beings' company.

well, we all normal ones shall feeling blessed over our sanity instead. we shall, u should check their video i think search those names in utube. happy watching!

Some other thoughts crossing my mind, i do think humans always crave for consistency and stability in which losing the comfort of owning it could drive u crazy. you call it greed? such a weird stuff i was watching. but yeah, kinda funnnn.

regardless my faith and such its just believe in what i believe, but yeah, this question came up from my mind, so God, whose fault is this? serial killers, they kill people on montly/ weekly basis.

just a thought. just a thought..... humans are the weirdest creature indeed....

sometimes i just wished im a guy. stay happy, stable,and carefree, less rollercoaster mood or jetcoaster mood, watever you call it.

i was fine throughout the day. just feeling tired and sleepy anyways. i took a nap. when i woke up it was just that i was feeling a bit empty.. or maybe guilty and at the same time angry/ pissed out of nowhere.blame assesment maybe. that feeling was.. weird... really weird. my heart just felt like... taken bit by bit, makes it somehow, harder to breath per normal. fiuhh.. fiuh.... i was trying to make myself calm. i was aaaaalllmoooosttt fell into tears. I bought some coffee to make myself up and maybe help myself up. i felt better for just a second, but I realized, it was not enough. no. then i tried to buy a packet of mnm. I heard sweet stuff curessss. well, it didnt =.=. i sat down in my studio again, i just felt like i cannot hold it anymore. then i just burst into tears. ask me why did i cry? i was not so sure either.

i just hate myself sometimes. emotional rollercoaster .. i hate you.

be strong kid. be strong. it is going to be over. soon.
i just wish im a guy. at least, be strong?
i hate this feeling. i hate this kind of confusing state of mind?

fart, who is this??

i just checked some views from this blog and it says, 18 views for the Singapore region. SHIT! i dont really think anybody ard me is checking my blog. =.='' NOOOOOO! whoever, i dont really care. except, my crush! i have lost my face or maybe if you do read, just pretend you have read any single word out of this blog and please if you do continue checking, please dont....

im so dead.
im
so
dead...

david oyster

GUD MORNIIIINGGG!!

it is 2.42 am in the morning. at school and doing my work with my friends. =) last year of schooling is really2 fun. we've gone through so many things together though. we eat, we laugh, but luckily not so much crying together...

i love my 3 and soon i think i have another one gem in my life. they all are equally as important as my own life i think haahhaha. they, seriously, my secret diaries. well cool yeah, i have 4 diaries lol.

it is really funny and to think about it heart warming to always having them around. They seriously had became a part of me i think. im telling you how much i love them, even we dont meet in a day or two, we are gg to start missing each other badly. i have never felt this attached before. it feels.. really good to be able to love and care for someone, but im so fortunate i have 3 and even 4 people in my life i think this important. However, i know one day, we are not gg to be together again. somehow i just knew, we are gg to be separated, sooner or later. u call it fate? not sure..

Another piece of lovely thoughts in my head was, i feel blessed i am allowed to be able to like someone. Even though i dont even know if he felt the same way as me, which im doubting. he is a type of nice guy whom girls like to fall for. Which annoyingly, given him totally i think so many choices to just pick the fishes in his kinda muddy pond. wow! jealous of you man. so good huh. =.=

anywayssss,
18 days before assesment, my heart thumps a bit faster, clock is ticking, slightly faster than yesterday i think. aaaaa!!!!!

a letter for my mr. assesment,
dear sir, just be dead. go away and dont come again.
im soon gonna be over you.
you r gg to be dead
im gg to kill you!
piece of piiiiiiiiipppp (pie) lol