keep smilling and move on

sunny day.. and im going back home tomorrow. We call it home. Because that is where our mom, dad, and siblings live. I wonder, how is it going to be... I have no job yet. Feel like giving up sometimes but yeah, im still alive and life just need to move on.. there is still traces of my crush in my head. but well, u need to move on too. Nobody cares what u felt other than yourself and God. Yup. that is life. im alone and for ur note, be tough girl. it is just a beginning of an exciting journey.

escape please

i fell too deep to a well. It was so deep that i found myself falling crazy in it. It was pretty dark and cold. Therefore, i could really felt the warmth when the sun shone unto my face.  I was all alone for quite sometime inside. captivated in the dark well. I was all alone and i started to imagine this person who is so perfect in my mind. He is so perfect as if he fits me and feed my hunger of communicating with some other human beings these days. He is charming. He has a good sense of humour. He is smart and has a great smile. He loves me no matter what i do or think or say. He has never been angry. It was so enticing in which warmth i indulge in and manage to survive in that dark well. I am still trapped inside till one point, he started to change. I think he is angry, i think i said something wrongly. I was sad and lonely for one more time. But it motivates me, to get up and try something to climb the well. I saw no sign of help and that fight makes me think, i need to get out of this well and move on or else i will die alone in here. Such a tragic end i think. stupid. 

I tried and manage to climb the well halfway. I fell again, to that deep, dark, cold well again. My hands were wet and i got some blisters here and there. But i could not stop here, right now... i shouted with some few energy left in my body. I am starting to loose my voice in an hour. What i can do now, preserve my energy. He has never appeared anymore but it did not change the fact that i am still in the dark well. I need to get out of this place.i would be dead if i did not manage to come out of this dark well.

i am scared. the only miracle is sunlight and a person or things which could lift me just up there. I miss freedom. Running around, dry, and the warmth of the day. I missed it so much. I am still in it. It was only a piece of my brain which think i was out there, in the house making and drinking some tea. in fact, i am still here, take me out.. God.. make me out of this well or just take out my soul out of my body. Put me on that warm ground outside the well. I missed all the warmth, my house, my family, all laughters, and... love. true love.  

what is going on in my life

I dont have any idea what is thiss suppose to mean. i am changing. i think im more introverted now. with all the consequences. i do become like more silence above all. i like to be sort of alone sometimes. when i met people i will laugh but yeah, i have no idea what is wrong with my mind. 

i cant tell what kind of person i am right now. 

i like to read.

i like not to tell so much about myself

i tend to stop telling people what i was thinking.

be smart dude. what is said will be used against you.

a quote from  some guy. wise ones.

secrets are good. it makes you feel in control?

no idea what it is. 

i like being in control.

maybe its an A blood stereotype but yeah i think its kinda really true

im slightly sad? stres? or what?

i should be wiser. less talking. read more and be more contentful. be accomodative and open to ideas and critique. Control your face and gesture. I need to train it. be smart. survive.

FUCK

i think i have a bit of mental problem today.

Yesterday i was fine so does the other day. But today, i just feel like just stop caring so much about me.
when you dont care just dont pretend that you care. its like Oh gosh, please, stop it. i feel like screaming,  i feel like just get it off my mind. but yeah dont seemed like working
i hate my inner self abit today. but i just feel angry towards my dad.
he annoys me
he asked how r u?
which doesnt mean fucking anything to him i suppose. like seriously, he never ask almost any shit when we do really meet. i hate it man. when u dont give a fuck, then just dont fucking pretend that u care. please.

i hate two face people
stop it self, u fuck ur own mind with hatred.
stop it

just stop ur fucking mind for this kind of thoughts.

FUCKKKKK
WHATS WRONG WITH ME???

first love meant to fall =D

i just read my own writting,

It was so funny that I am soooo incapable of making my promise unbroken in a matter of feelings.
i promised to stop texting. Well it did not happened that smoothly.
well, as promised, we finally went out. I met his brother. HE IS SO DAMN GOOD LOOKING AND SMART. GOD. COMPARE TO HIM, he sat next to me, i could see, you are still a kid. Seriously, we looked like kids i think. lol

we talked so much. It was fun, he told me that his dad were lazy and kind of stop monetarily funding them. wow! I felt blessed cause my family is not that kind. and then, nobody's perfect anyways. no family does, i had my own problems and pain as well. LOVE OR MONEY? you choose.
He as well told me that he basically go against stereotype. Do not ever judge me the same as others. Creepy a little. He is not that approachable. He is smart and he has his own mind. He is logical as fuck. He dont use feelings sometimes. it is all logic inside his mind. I want to get that thinking as well. i hate being so emotional. tiring. Spread me some logic dude. please. would be great.
anyway, yeah, he is a good friend but not so close one. I think he created his own wall for everyone. I dont exactly know why. He just says, i dont trust anyone.

he programmed his future. i understands now why his priority became this way. Your family and past shaped you the way you are now. Strong will people usually had their own pressure that made them hard as steel.

Too smart maybe not so much a blessing as well.

Well, i did texted him the last time that he should make a move. which totally, shit. i dont mean it was me though. loools. watever been said stays there, u cant take it back. Act normal. just smile around him like what i usually do to everyone. make him a friend. Friendship lasts, right? anyway, i deleted his number i just save it in my screenshot. just in case something urgent coming up. nooo turning back.

move on dude. it was nice to fall in love. It was maybe my first, I tried. I am not lose. i was brave. Thanks God for this first love you may call it. Thank God, You make me fall to this kinda guy. Because he is not boastful or else i will not be able to fall in love again, ever. because of the shame, is suppose. Making a move and shit. wow. was hillarious. Next one? hahahahha I believe he is there somewhere, its just that we have not yet meet. <3 p="">

the lost world

it eases my mind to look at my past, happy pictures in my fb. Smiles, laughters and friends. I felt so content. My heart felt warmer. I dont need a thousand people to care or love me. Just a few. Would do. I felt lonely. I know one of my friend cares. However, she cared for me too much and with such care I felt I should not burden her with such problems of uncertainty of mine. I just need a break. But i have no idea where to find it right now. I felt quite tired, mentally. Nobody knows my burden or is it me who just being tooooo sensitive or not tough? I want to runaway for a while.

Few possibilities which relates to the future I suppose. I am not so sure what to do. One choice leads to the other, I dont want to make my parents dissapointed in me. I have my own responsibility and pride as well, i dont want to be such a burden for them too. Some people being allowed to chill. For me, nope. I had no choice right now. My dad seemed like wanted me to stay where i am now. But logic and evidence said, it is going to be tough. I need advisors. i am confused. like, really.

Seems like i dont have faith. Faith dont come on its own and says, hey, you come here, work here and all. You need to know the radar. Where does it goes and receive it in a correct way. I cant tell my so called "sisters" in church. They said, pray and do your best. I did my best. I applied to over 100 companies which have not exactly any replies. nobody wants to hear complaints. It is like fuck this shit.

I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD TAKE THE RISK OR JUST BE AN OPPORTUNISTS. FUCK THIS SHIT. AFTER I COME OUT OF THIS TUNNEL I SURELY 100 THOUSANDS TIME STRONGER. FUCKKKKK!!!!! I WONT COVER THIS FUCKING SWEARING! FUCCCCCKKKK YOUUUU! IT REFERS TO NO ONE THOUGH. I DONT BLAME GOD OR ANYONE. FUCK YOUUUU~~~ FUCK U VERY VERY MUCH~~~~

so good. =)